The Beast of Yucca Flats-Shh…Don’t Interrupt the Narrator!

I already know what you’re thinking.  Okay, I mean BESIDES “Jesus, dude!  Taking long enough between reviews?!”  I mean the look on this guy’s face in the poster.

“Oh HAIL no, you di-en’t!”

Yes.  Yes I did.

Of all the garbage I’ve seen, nothing prepared me for this hot mess of a film.  The 1960’s must’ve been an era for whatever crap might actually fit into a week or less of shooting.  This movie was forced upon a poor, defenseless reel of film in 1961, and stars a Swedish former wrestler who, I guess, was in dire need of a cheese burger.

The film opens with a woman who has just gotten out of the shower and is drying her hair in the mirror.  Sorry guys, but the boobies were cut in the version I saw.  She is strangled by a strange figure and left dead on her bed.  The murder is never mentioned or acknowledged in the film again.

Ever.

The narrator begins by telling us about renowned scientist Joseph Javorsky of Russia, who defects to the United States and brings a briefcase full of Russian secrets with him.  During his run from the Russians he is attacked by two assassins.  He manages to escape deep into Yucca Flats, but finds out quickly that the place is an atomic bomb testing ground.

The narrator then introduces us to a new couple who are beset upon by Javorsky, now a rampaging mutant.  He kills the male driver in the vehicle, then takes off with the woman.  The man is discovered dead in the road by a motorist, and the narrator then introduces us to Joe, the local sheriff.

In fact, get used to hearing the f**king narrator a lot.  THE MOVIE WAS FILMED WITH NO SOUNDTRACK.  No, really.  In order to avoid syncing lips and effects they added in voiceovers later on, and characters only speak when you can’t see their faces.  Guns only fire when their muzzles are off screen.

And the Narrator.  Heavens to Murgatroyd, the Narrator!  The entire movie is narrated except for snippets of badly voiced dialogue tossed in like dirty underwear into a laundry basket.  And, what’s worse, this a**hole repeats himself CONSTANTLY.  I get it, jerk-off!  “Jim and Joe, two men responsible for the safety of the desert community of Yucca Flats.  Jim and Joe, two law men caught in the wheels of change.”

Gag me with a pitch fork.

Aaaaaanywho, Joe wakes Jim up from a night of boozing and women to help him find whoever is killing people in the desert.  Meanwhile, a family pulls off to the side of the road in Yucca Flats to take a break on their long drive.  The two boys run off into the desert while mom and dad stretch.  They return, but somehow events lead back to them getting lost in the desert after dad is shot at a few times by Jim from an airplane.

I began to lose track, frankly, because this movie gets real random, real quick.  Hell, it’s only 54 minutes, so it ALL has to go real quick.

Thank God.

The boys are discovered by the Beast(after the montage of the narrator summing up the events thus far.  Twice.  Jesus.), and escape into a cave to avoid him.  He finds them and chases them into a clearing where he is ambushed by Jim and Joe and shot.  He feigns death, then grabs Jim and begins to strangle him.  Joe grabs the rifle and fires several shots into Javorsky, finally killing him.  Maybe.

The actor wouldn’t hold still. 

The end.  Thank God I drink.

VERDICT: Bring in the nukes!!

At least Track of the Moon Beast had a plot.  Sort of.  They most certainly had f**king dialogue!!!  But then who am I?!  I’m just a sad little man who reviews bad movies and stuff.  What the hell do I know? Dialogue?!  Pssh!!  Dialogue is for pansies!

Then again, I have TOTAL respect for the silent film era, and this movie might have been able to pull it off.  But no!  They had to go halvsies on it because the director/writer/producer didn’t wanna fork over the cash to at LEAST put a f**king soundtrack in his already useless movie!

The voice work is absolutely horrible.  It’s almost apparent that the actors weren’t even in the same room.  It’s like the crew showed up to each person’s house on different days and said “Read these lines, and we’ll record it.  Direction?  Nah!  Just go where it takes you!”

The storyline was weak only because of the lack of everything else.  It could’ve been a decent science fiction government conspiracy flick, but it just wound up being about as useful as a bag of gluten-free marshmallows and a brick of compressed cow dung.

S’mores, anyone?

I would rather snort itching powder while having my crotch used as a paintball target by homicidal circus midget clowns than watch this movie again.