Bad Movies Beware!

Eegah!-Movie Leave Bad Smell in Air.

Another face-first plunge into the Best of the Worst  collection I got for Christmas turned up this awkward piece of corn Hollywood ate back in the sixties and forgot about.  Eegah! The Name Written in Blood is the last of the first disc in this cornucopia of crap, so at least it has that going for it.

That and a glimpse at an early Richard Kiel.
Yeah, him.  You know, the guy from Happy Gilmore with the nail stuck in his head?  Him.  Oh, sod it.
Now you remember?  Awesome.  Apparently he was something of a lady-killer back in the day(yeah, I kind of did a double take at that one, too).
The movie opens with Roxy stopping off at the gas station where her boyfriend Tommy works.  Tommy is a classic fifties car hop, complete with the over-done boyish acting and surfer-style greasy hair.  “Gee, I’m sorry, sir!” he gushes as he wipes the spilled gasoline off of a customer’s car.  “Guess I was just thinkin’ about my girl!”
Roxy continues on after Tommy agrees to meet her and her father for dinner.  Eegah appears in the road, and Roxy almost hits him.  She passes out in a faint, and Eegah admires her from the road.  He’s 7’1″, so it looks more like a creeper standing over an inflatable woman, but whatever.
Yes, I went there.  With bells on.
She comes to as Eegah flees from the approaching headlights. She sees Tommy, crying out “Oh Carl!” as she hugs him and tells him what happened.
Carl?  Who the hell is Carl?
Roxy relays her story to her father, who laughs it off and sends her on her way to a party where Tommy is playing guitar.  He sings a classic fifties tune that no one has ever heard of from beginning to end, then is convinced by Roxy to go searching the desert for signs of the giant she encountered.
Her father also agrees to come, and they soon discover one of Eegah’s massive footprints.  Mr. Miller agrees to go on an expedition to find Roxy’s giant.  The next morning he is dropped off via chopper and searches, but is attacked by Eegah.
Roxy and Tommy get the memo that the chopper pilot was stood up by Mr. Miller and go searching for him in Tommy’s dune buggy.  What we get next is a five minute montage of him driving like a maniac in the sand…
Sand?  But they’re in the…oh, nevermind.
They call off the search for the evening and make camp.  Out of the blue Tommy pulls his guitar out and sings a song.  Another.  F**king.  Song.
Yes, kids.  It’s a bit of a musical.
Eegah comes by, and some turn of events(I may have missed it because I was the midst of massaging away the migraine) Roxy ends up over Eegah’s shoulder and is hauled back to his cave up in Shadow Mountain.  She finds her father there, and they are in the presence of Eegah’s dead relatives, who he still speaks to as if they were alive.
By speaks, I mean he grunts, groans, mumbles and gestures.  Kind of like Kevin Costner in most of his roles, but taller.
The next half hour of the movie is a montage of Tommy searching the dessert for Roxy while she and her father develop a tense friendship with Eegah while plotting their escape.  At one point she even gives him a shave, stating that he’s actually kind of cute.
Yes.  That makes perfect sense.  Get captured by a gigantic cave man who wants to bang you before he eats you, and give him a makeover.  I’ll make sure to update my survival journal.
Eegah takes Roxy outside and tries to get frisky with her, allowing Mr. Miller to escape.  Tommy ambushes Eegah, and Roxy and her father escape.  Eegah comes around just as Tommy picks them up in the dune buggy.  They take off, and he is left howling and raising his arms in the air.
The movie doesn’t really say how long it’s been since Eegah’s cave, but we next find Roxy at a party at her house where Tommy is singing with his band.  Eegah is on a rampage and has followed them to the city.  Well, more like an inconvenience than a rampage.  He scares a few pets and a few people, damages some property, and tosses a guy into a swimming pool.
Be still my beating heart.
Meanwhile, Roxy has been preoccupied with Eegah ever since they got back from the desert.  She decides to take her mind off things by dancing, and Tommy soon joins her.  Another of his band mates tries to move in, and punches Tommy in the face.  Tommy retaliates, shouting that Roxy is HIS girl.
This is funny to watch since we JUST saw this dude say “Wow-wee, wow-wow!” in the previous scene.  They scuffle, and Eegah invades the party.  Tommy rushes him, but is decked by Eegah.  The cave man picks up his club and rushes the police that show up on the scene, but they shoot him.
Roxy, Tommy, and Mr. Miller stand over Eegah’s body as it floats in the pool, and the credits roll after a highly forgettable profound line from Mr. Miller.
The End.
VERDICT: Ugh…blurr…blah-blah…Eegah…Blah…Mmmorgop…
I’ve now watched four movies in this collection, and this one takes it home on the camp factor.  Yeah, I caught it too:
Okay, now that the obvious is out of the way, the breakdown.  The acting is laughable.  The only person who didn’t over-act was Richard Kiel, and grunting like a constipated wookie isn’t really a stretch.  Tommy’s character is a complete tool, and the shoo-wop fifties jive he’s putting forth is about what you expect when visiting a theme park or watching a campy fifties musical that was shot in the sixties.
Oh, wait…
Three songs were played in this movie at random times, and NONE of them had anything to do with anything.  They were the typical 50’s sap songs, and I found it funny that Tommy was obsessed with Roxy, but sang three songs about three different girls.  So either he’s a musician writing songs about what was popular back then, or he’s a complete douche-canoe and can’t keep his microphone in his pants.
I vote douche-canoe, sans the cheating.
The plotline is weak, and pretty much a blatant rip of King Kong.  Only Eegah didn’t climb a sky scraper and swat at planes.  Why?  Because at least that would’ve added some awesomeness to the film.  No.  We get Beauty and the Beast, but Beauty is a ding bat and the Beast is Richard Kiel with no nail in his head.
Yeah, I didn’t recognize him at first either.  Needs the nail.
I would rather have a socially awkward clown from Hell give me a molten cheese enema while Zombeavers gnaw at my man boobs than watch this movie again.

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This entry was posted on February 27, 2014 by in Monster Fails.
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