Teenagers from Outer Space-In Space No One can See You Drool…
…what the hell…
Okay, I’ll start by saying that this isn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen. By no means is it good. In fact, it rates right down there with Battlefield Earth. The difference: I didn’t feel like my soul was being sucked out of my body through my eyeballs the entire time I was watching it.
Travolta can have that effect on people.
It’s black-and-white, and it’s an indie from circa 1959. Why is this significant? The last skid mark in Hollywood’s underpants I watched tried like hell to recreate the 1950’s styles and slang. But badly. I equated watching Eegah: The Name Written in Blood to having my nose hairs trimmed with an Epilady. This movie isn’t painful so much as it is just boring.
A ship lands in the desert, and the hatch opens just as a dog runs up and starts barking at the man climbing out. He fires a ray gun at the pup, reducing him to a skeleton. The gunman removes his mask, as do his comrades, and we meet the only two who seem to have names: Derek and Thor. Derek is a quiet, mild-mannered young man while Thor is a sadist and kills for the sake of killing.
It was at this moment that I began looking for heroin.
The group is on Earth to drop off a gargon: an animal that they breed on their planet for food. Derek turns on the crew and flees. Thor is sent after him with instructions to kill without prejudice.
Derek ends up at the home of Betty and Grandpa (Yeah, the names were real creative). Betty and Grandpa show him around, and soon Derek inadvertently becomes their tenant in a room in the house. Thor follows Derek into town, killing people along the way with his ray gun. Betty and Derek elude him consistently, but are finally captured by Thor when he is shot in the shoulder. He forces them to take him in for medical attention.
Meanwhile Reporter Joe and a random cop are exploring the desert and come across the cave where the gargon was left. The gargon has grown gigantic and devours the cop as Joe flees. Derek and Betty face off with Thor in a car chase then ends with Thor driving over a cliff and getting arrested.
Wait, it gets better. No, I’m lying. It doesn’t.
Derek and Betty return to the desert to find the gargon…WHAT IN THE NAME OF OPRAH’S FAT A** ON TOAST IS THAT?! No, seriously. I’m really seeing this! The gargon is the shadow of a lobster superimposed onto the screen and put into slow motion to create the effect of being gigantic. I know the 50’s were a bit limited, but c’mon!
Betty and Derek connect the power lines nearby to Thor’s broken ray gun and kill the gargon, but it’s too late. A full-scale invasion from Derek’s home world is on its way. Derek reunites with his father, the leader of the Space Teens, and orders the legion to approach at too great a speed.
A giant explosion borrowed from some other movie claims the lives of all of the space people. Betty, Grandpa, and Joe walk away with their heads down as Derek’s last words echo something about never leaving Earth.
Except for the pieces that got launched into orbit.
VERDICT: Golly-Gee! Shoot me now!
Not that I take issue with the 50’s, but I have to know if it really was that…MaGoo back then. Anyone?
I’ll start with the acting. I guess Skynet found a way to send a Terminator back to the 50’s with the purpose of opening an acting school. The acting is, literally, mechanical. Derek shows NO emotion, and Betty is mechanical AND overacted at the same time. Wrap your head around that one.
Already went over the effects on the gargon, but the cost-cutting costumes and props bear mentioning. The space suits were second-hand jumpsuits with masking tape and flight helmets, and their space boots were tennis shoes covered with white socks. No, really.
The writing, while atrocious, had its moments and is what feebly attempts to save this movie. Granted, the dialogue is the same vernacular as Troll 2(pidgin English), but there are some key points that help move things along. Unfortunately this didn’t really make me care much as to what was going on, and I ended up watching the movie with the same energy and excitement as I show when I am drugged, drunk, and asleep.
I would rather have lobsters high on pcp dust rampaging in my pants while being slapped in the face with a marlin by a hyperactive squirrel than watch this movie again.