Cheerleader Massacre-Blood, Boobies, and Buffoonery
What. The. Hell.
Okay, people, flashback. Remember the 1980’s slasher series Slumber Party Massacre? Apparently some clown with tapioca for brains got a digital HD camcorder for Christmas and decided to make a sequel to the old series.
Twenty-two years later.
Problem is, these old movies weren’t any good either. But back then the slasher genre was really gaining steam with two small-time series: Friday the 13th and Halloween. So, what better way to cash in than to hire a bunch of hot girls to get completely naked and run from a killer?
Flash forward to 2009, when this uproarious pile of dog poop was shot. I’d say “filmed,” but it really was shot with a digital camera. No exaggeration, there.
Movies today are far more high-tech, and the horror industry is no different. These days, people are bored(and sometimes intellectually offended) by the slasher-esque style of the 80s, and want something that will focus more on their fears and psyche.
This turd just wanted to ice skate uphill.
The storyline is weak, and that’s being nice. Being accurate is saying that the plot was written on a beer napkin at a bar that was later used as toilet paper and a snot rag.
In that order.
I have IMDB pulled up so I can make sure the names are straight, but hell, it’s not like you can still follow along, anyway. The story and writing is so weak you don’t even know who’s who by the end of it.
They managed to get April Flowers to not only be in the movie, but also to perform a gratuitous sex scene in the film that makes the one on the Friday the 13th remake look normal.
I’ll summarize the best I can, so bear with me because it’ll be pretty general.
The movie opens with the credits introducing each girl. As their name appears on the screen, we get to see them fully nude and bathing. By the end of it they’ve covered each other in chocolate and, well, you get the idea.
A couple is camping out and are about to have sex when they hear a noise. He goes to investigate and gets slaughtered behind a tree. The killer goes after the girlfriend, and we switch scenes to the local high school where the cheer squad has just finished practice.
They hit the showers, but the goth one lingers behind. She’s thinking about her friend that died a year before. The others console her, and one of them goes off to finish getting ready. She is lured into the locker area and killed.
The others head out to meet up with the buss driver, a pervert named Buzzy. With him are two sex-crazed adolescent(read “25-year-old) boys who are along for the trip. They leave without the other girl(“Guess she rode the other buss”), and the van breaks down. They find an abandoned cabin in the woods and take refuge after turning the power on.
In other words, the director decided to use his parent’s house to shoot a movie while they were away for the weekend in Rio.
They decide to tell ghost stories by the fire, and Buzzy chimes in with a doozy. Three girls are hiking in the woods when they come across a house. They go in, explore, one thing leads to another and they’re taking a bath together in a lesbian soft-core scene.
Of course the teacher is fine with this.
She leaves to take a shower(that we get to watch), and Buzzy is about to continue his story when the power goes back out. Buzzy goes to check on it and finds that April Flowers and one of the boys in the group are in a room having sex. While he is watching the killer shows up and makes quick work of him.
The other boy comes around the corner to find Buzzy, and also gets hacked up. What a shock.
Things go from bad to worse when the killer goes on a rampage, killing off both April Flowers and the boy as well as the nice girl in the group. It’s down to the lead cheerleader and the teacher, and they soon discover that the goth girl was behind it all. She chases them back into the house and locks them in, but they escape and use a gas leak to blow the place up with her inside.
The end. I can’t make this s**t up.
VERDICT: THE INDUSTRY’S SMUTTIEST COASTER.
Like I said, the plot is thin. Yeah, I left a few things out, but it’s like Vacancy in that the entire movie can be summed up in about 5 minutes, and the rest is just fluffer.
And, considering that one of the actresses is a porn star, there probably was one.
The acting was as overdone as expected, with every line being delivered as if it was the character’s last. “I’m going to go look outside!” DUHN-DUHN-DUUUUUUHNN! “Where’s Ashely?” DUHN-DUHN-DUUUUUUUHNNN! “I have to drop a loaf the size of a river barge!” DUHN-DUHN-DUUUUUUHNNN!!!
In a nutshell, the writer/director/producer/camera man had a select handful of girls he wanted to see naked, and decided to pay them to do a movie about nude girls getting slaughtered. Dude, while I am SO okay with naked chicks in movies, having grown up on 80’s slasher flicks, do the industry a favor and GET A GIRL.
I’m not complaining about the nudity, but I am saying that anything can be overdone. ANYTHING. Like Blood Mania, I no longer cared about seeing naked girls. I just wanted the movie to end.
The gore effects were laughable, the blood not being much more than ketchup or syrup. Say, man! Did you raid the make-up department a Walmart hard enough? Maybe it’s slit skin, fatty tissue, or even exposed muscle!
Maybe it’s Maybelline.
By the way, am I the only one who is disturbed by the fact that I Googled Cheerleader Massacre for the cover pic, and this was one of the photos in the mix of naked girls, gore, and maniacs wielding knives and large drills soaked in blood?
Seriously, Google. What the utter f**k.
I would rather have my inner thighs gnawed on by methed-out vampire bunny rabbits with spring-loaded motorized jaws and my face used as a fat sweaty-dude’s deodorant applicator while listening to Justin Bieber albums than watch this movie again.