Cheerleader Massacre 2-Pom Poms, Boobies, and Killer Toys. WTF.
A buddy said something to me the other day that rang fairly true: “People go to horror movies to see two things-boobs and people get hacked up.”
Granted, not all horror movies are the same, but Slasher-Flicks tend to follow that trend. A group of girls gets naked, at least one guy screws one of them, and then a maniac kills most everyone except one girl who DOESN’T get naked and has the balls to stand up and fight.
Cheerleader Massacre 2 follows that formula. Stringently.
The Cheerleader Massacre movies are actually part of a 6-pack, starting with Slumber Party Massacre circa 1982, followed by Slumber Party Massacre 2(1987). After those two we had Sorority House Massacre(1986) and Sorority House Massacre 2(1990). Do I have any desire to watch these movies?
Will you all probably put them into the suggestions for me to archive because you get a sadistic thrill out of watching me suffer through this relentless pile of cinematic fecal debris?
Way more than likely.
A group of cheerleaders are on a bus heading to a weekend camp and competition. They blow a flat along the way and stop. The driver gets out, and is attacked by an unseen killer. The girls go outside and find him dead, then scatter when a flying machine with three saw blades whips through and decapitates one of them, then comes back around and slices another in half.
Yes. Flying machine. No, I’m not lying. Nor am I drunk.
After the unit turns the troop into a pile of meat and parts it chases the squad leader into the hills. She falls down into a crevice and is killed when the toy follows her and begins to fling CGI blood everywhere.
After the title card rolls we are greeted by a blonde girl with over-sized boobs in a bathtub. We get a 1 minute montage of her bathing the puppies. She gets a phone call and talks about camp. We never see her again after this.
Yes. Her only purpose was nudity.
We then meet Anna, our protagonist for the film(obvious) and her best friend, Janice. Anna is the innocent “girl-next-door” member of the local cheer squad on her way to camp for the weekend, and Janice is her ride. Before they leave, Janice’s father gets a distressed phone call from work and runs off to the secret lab in the house.
Because EVERYONE has secret lab in the house.
Meanwhile, the rest of the squad arrives at camp. We have the typical bitchy squad leader and the two girls who act as her minions. The head counselor is a balding old pervert who surrounds himself with ditzy blondes, and his co-leader is a hot blonde with about a fraction more sense than he has.
Don’t worry, it doesn’t impede this masterpiece.
Notice also, that I don’t really know half of their names. Like the first movie, it’s not really important. In fact, this movie makes it abundantly clear who are the important characters, and who are the meat bags sent for certain death at the hands of Hasbro.
Yes, I went there.
Meanwhile a hot top-heavy redhead and her girlfriend wake up from a night of topless sleeping. They, also, have nothing to do with the storyline. In fact, I might just refer to these characters from now on as throw pillows.
They are decorative and nice to have, but serve no other real purpose than to sit on the couch and usually get tossed in the floor when one sits down for an evening of beer and The Walking Dead.
In another scene, a group of boys are having car trouble during their drive to meet up with the cheerleaders at camp for a weekend of sex.
Back at camp, the squad, Red Team, is wondering where the Blue Team as they were due at camp the day before. In 24 hours they will be disqualified, but the team decides to practice anyway.
During practice one of the counselors decides to sneak away to drink and take a shower. She is electrocuted when she touches the shower head, and is then dragged away by an unknown figure.
Practice ends when Minion B is almost electrocuted by a power line that snaps loose and swings down to the field.
Back at home, Janice’s dad is killed by an insect-like robot while trying to figure out who stole the source code for his mechanical weapons.
By the way, we are now half-way through the one-hour movie. No, really. HALF of the movie was really not much more than bad acting, boobies, and horny teenagers.
Kinda like college.
One of the boys shows up at the apartment where the busty redheaded throw pillow lives, and they proceed with the obligatory Gratuitious Sex Scene. During their soft-core romp a mechanical bug shows up and slits their throats. Lots of CGI blood, and poof!
More dead bimbos!
The other two boys show up at camp, and the minions dope the squad leader and sneak out against Anna’s insistence that they obey the curfew. Janice is laid up on the bunk with a sprained ankle.
Minion A meets her boyfriend at the docks, and they start to undress for Obligatory Gratuitous Sex Scene 2 when he hears a noise in the woods.
By the way, these movies are actually only supposed to have one obligatory sex scene in order to follow the formula. Any others on top of that are optional. Just saying.
Anywho, Minion A follows him and discovers his body. She screams as he falls away in two pieces. She suddenly has her head crushed by a giant mechanical saucer-looking thing.
I didn’t see how Minion B bought it because I actually fell asleep during that scene. Yes, this movie, despite the HUGE amounts of nudity and gore, is so boring I actually passed out. Let me sum up her death for you(found an online summery):
Boobies. Screaming. Blood.
In fact, I was pretty much in and out during the rest of the film because it just dragged on like Renee Zellweger’s speech at the Academy Awards. I saw enough snippets to know that everyone runs, screams a lot, and dies. The three-sawed flying gadget from the beginning is back in full force, and Anna was running through the woods evading it by the time I was able to slap myself back to the world of the lucid.
The figure in black shows up and unmasks to reveal that it was Janice controlling the robots all along. She stole them from her father, and planned to use them to wipe out cheerleaders everywhere and cause a feminist revolt. She urges Anna to join her. Anna refuses, and they struggle until she manages to hold Janice in the path of the flying saw machine.
It rips into Janice, and the scene fades as Anna cries over her body. A few weeks later Anna receives an email. It’s Janice, in a video made before the camp, urging her followers to begin the revolt.
VERDICT: LICK THE WINDOWS!
This movie, while superior to the first movie in all technical aspects, was mind-numbing. I actually watched in horror as my IQ points plummeted for an hour, when I wasn’t sleeping because of the boredom.
The last movie I watched that was this retarded was Sand Sharks. Yes, you read it right. Robo Croc was a f**king intellectual MASTERPIECE compared to this skid mark in the underwear of Netflix.
The acting, once again, was awful. I could chalk it up to bad writing, but if Bob Hoskins can pull off Mario and be remembered as the only good thing about the Super Mario Bros. movie, then these troglodytes should be able to do SOMETHING with this disaster of a script.
Okay, I’ve danced around it enough. The gadgets. WHAT. THE. HELL.
Who, on a pile of camel s**t, thought that cheerleaders getting slaughtered by top secret government weapons would actually make for an exciting and interesting movie?! I mean, really?!
The tried and true formula of a mysterious figure killing off brain-dead naked cheerleaders would’ve probably saved this movie, but noooo. “Let’s shake it up a bit and add robots!”
And not only robots, but CGI effects that make anything SyFy puts out look like The Lord of the Rings. It looks like the same Playstation 1 they used to animate Primal was stolen for the purpose of piling this crap up in the middle of the pen for the pigs to roll around in.
I would rather have my back hair tied in knots and yanked out in clumps by evil garden gnomes while getting kicked in the beans by a Chorus Line than watch this movie again.