Robo Croc- Steve Irwin Rolls in His Grave…
Have you ever watched a hippopotamus take a crap?
Yes, you’re seeing it right. They flick their tail around while farting explosively and send s**t EVERYWHERE. Now, imagine that each little lump of fantastic fecal fun flying from our flatulent friend is a plot point and the hippo is the movie.
Ladies and gents, I give you Robo Croc.
In typical SyFy fashion, this movie is one of those the looked great in concept but failed miserably in execution. I never did watch the bonus content(because there was no bonus content), but I can just see the producer now: “We were set to go, and everything looked great for the effects. We knew we were f**ked when Gary showed up with his Commodore 64 to work on the animation.”
A rocket blasts off from an unknown launch pad somewhere between Whereisit and Whogivesadamn and explodes in the atmosphere. A capsule crashes in a zoo(once again, no location) and cracks open. Thousands of tiny nanomachines escape and fly up the right nostril of a large crocodile named Stella where they latch on to cells and begin to transform them.
A random zookeeper, Chef, is out feeding the animals. When he gets to Stella’s area she charges him, and he barely escapes with his life.
Enter Jim Duffy, the lead zookeeper and local hero known for bringing in the 20-foot croc Stella to the zoo. He is joined by Jane, an attractive new intern who has requested to work with him, and his boss. Don’t even remember the guy’s name.
Not like he’s important anyway.
We find out that Stella has escaped her pen, and Duffy has been charged with getting her back. The military is involved, along with Dr. Riley. Riley is a stern, cold woman and refuses to give Duffy and his crew any answers as to why they are so interested in Stella.
Meanwhile, two losers in the water park next to the zoo join the summer party going on. One of them is Duffy’s son, Rob. The other is Hud, who is filming the girls on his iPhone. Two of the guys in the park toss Rob and Hud in the pool when they catch them taping their girls, Julie and Sydney.
In the zoo, Duffy and Jane are tagging along with the military trying to get answers while Stella randomly attacks a nearby pond full of people fishing. She is beginning to lose skin and take on more mechanical attributes.
Rob and Hud end up getting locked in the men’s room by Julie’s and Sydney’s boyfriends. Meanwhile, a massacre has begun outside as Stella lays waste to the water park. She leaves after she kills everyone there except for the boys, Julie, and Sydney. They come outside and discover that everyone is lying around covered in strawberry syrup.
I mean blood. Yeah, totally blood.
Julie’s boyfriend is eaten by Stella, and she and her friends go back and release Rob and Hud believing that Rob can get them out of there.
We are now halfway through the movie. Ugh.
Duffy and Jane find a piece of crocodile skin while they are saving Chef from the lion’s area, and realize that the scales are turning into metal. Montgomery reads them in. The payload on the crashed capsule was nanomachines that are capable of turning organic tissue into mechanical material that can be controlled. Stella’s primary objective: Kill.
Gee. I didn’t see that coming. Shoot me.
Duffy calls his friend Nigel in to try and capture Stella alive. The mission is a failure, and Duffy soon finds out that Rob is in the water park. He and Nigel take a chopper into the park and face off with Stella, who is now all robot.
Cool look. Crappy execution. Eh, it’s SyFy.
Stella kills Nigel, and Duffy escapes with the teens. He instructs them to go to the pump house and stay there until he comes for them. Meanwhile, Duffy and Jane try to come up with a way to capture Stella. Montgomery gets called away to clean up an attack at the local fishing spot where Stella has killed numerous civilians. Despite Dr. Riley’s threats, he makes the decision to destroy Stella.
A little late in the game, but okay. Can’t get any worse.
Duffy and Montgomery nab an EMP (Electromagnetic Pulse) device and head to the sewers. Rob, Hud, and Julie decide to leave the pump house and try to escape in the sewers only to run into a very angry Duffy. Just as he’s instructing them to stay put, Montgomery is attacked by Stella and Duffy leaves to go after the croc robot.
On the surface, Jane finds out that Riley has been helping Stella the entire time, sending the killer commands via her iPad. Riley punches Jane in the throat and takes off into the sewers to stop Duffy from neutralizing Stella.
Duffy runs into Riley and is relieved, but finds out quickly that she’s a turncoat when she fires her gun at him. Stella arrives, lured by the gunshot, and Duffy tosses the briefcase with the EMP inside into Stella’s mouth. Riley tries to get it back, but Duffy sets it off. The blast shuts Stella down for good, throws everyone to the ground, and…what the f**k?
It disintegrates Riley. Really?
VERDICT: THE HIPPO SAYS IT ALL.
In true SyFy fashion, a cool idea that would make a fun popcorn movie is taken and smeared in B-Movie dung by the infamous network that brought us The Final Days of Planet Earth, Mutant Chronicles, and Supernova. Lots of little plotlines get started, but go nowhere.
First, we have Riley. She’s a frigid b***h. She’s also, quite obviously I might add, the bad guy who is semi-controlling Stella. So the twist at the end where she turns is absolutely no surprise. In fact, I was beginning to wonder if they were ever going to flesh that one out because they sure as hell didn’t do anything with Duffy’s background with Nigel and his boss.
Also, what’s the deal with Chef? He seems like an okay character with an interesting background who could move the story with some comic relief, but he gets hauled off instead and we’re left with Hud. Hud is a loser with no sense of humor and an inability to act.
I could go on and on, but the Guinness is running low.
The biggest question I have is why, in the name of all that is Emily Wickersham’s girl-next-door sexiness, is no one in the movie acknowledging that Stella looks like something from The Terminator by the time she reaches the water park? She’s 100% man-eating beer can, and yet they still treat her like a living crocodile. They COMPLETELY ignore that fact that she is now, clearly, a Deceptacon.
She’s an out of control can opener, people.
Of course, what would a SyFy movie be without a perfect ending that wraps up everything ultra-neat in less than thirty seconds? Stella gets fried, an EMP evaporates Dr, Riley(can’t figure that one out, either, since they said earlier in the film that it doesn’t affect living things), and Rob and Duffy each get their respective girl. The end, roll credits, cash and prizes.
Well, more like misery and a s**t stain in my memory.
What’s sad is that I can’t really think of an Achievement to award this movie. Despite it’s awfulness and failure, it really brings nothing new to the table. Truly, that’s a common issue with all SyFy movies. It’s litter box fodder, but not any different from the last turd nugget you scooped out and tossed into the toilet so you could blame it on your kid later.
Eating a large spoonful of coagulated sweat off a fat man’s armpit, or watching this hippo dung again.