The Atomic Brain-A Story the Will Leave You Drooling…
Okay, now that sucked.
Back into the Best of the Worst
collection for yet another ancient independent corn nugget from the 60’s. The Atomic Brain
has it all. Mad scientist bent on proving his genius to the world? Check. Bitter old woman consumed with greed trying to do the impossible? Check. Three women who don’t have the sense God gave a beer bottle? Check.
And a narrator. Dear God, the narrator.
I guess the narrator is necessary since, apparently, the average moviegoer in the 60’s was so f**king stupid that a narrator was needed to explain what was going on right in front of their faces whenever there was no dialogue.
And I can’t use the Sony Handycam crack on this one because, well, it was filmed in the 60s. They used 35mm film on most of the movies shot back then, so the camera would’ve been large and not exactly portable. Therefore, scenes had static shots instead of today’s camera styles that pan in and out and follow the action.
What to do, what to do?
I’ll just call it a turd.
Meet Dr. Frank, our resident Mad Scientist. His big idea is that people’s brains can be swapped around, thus defying death and age.
The movie opens with Dr. Frank in the cemetery looking for a fresh corpse in the crypt. During this, the narrator explains that he was hired by Ms. March and gives us some back story. He comes across a gorgeous young woman who has recently died and decides to take her body back to the lab. His creature pet, a man with the brain of an animal, kills a security guard and helps the good doctor make off with the corpse.
We then meet Ms. March, and the narrator explains that she plans to have the doc transplant her brain into a young woman’s body in order to be young and beautiful again, as well as retain her millions.
The next day, three women from three different countries arrive at the airport to meet Victor, Ms. March’s man-servant. We have Nina from Argentina (sounds like a cartoon character), Bea from England, and Anita from Spain.
Funny thing is that Anita is the only one with an accent.
Bea sounds like a northerner trying to do a bad southern accent, and Nina just speaks with a normal accent as if she is from the Midwest. It’s like The Man in the Iron Mask.
The only person in the movie with a French accent was Gerard Depardieu
, which figures since he’s FROM FRANCE. Not that I don’t like The Man in the Iron Mask
, I love it. But let’s be real. Leonardo DiCaprio was King Louise the XIV with a California accent.
Now that’s just wrong.
The three girls are taken to the house, stripped (sorry guys, no boobies), and inspected for perfection by Ms. March. She chooses Bea and decides to do away with Anita and Nina. Anita is taken first, and her brain is swapped with a cat’s brain. She goes feral and claws out Bea’s eyes.
Ms. March settles for Nina, who is the only one of the three girls who ends up with an ounce of sense. She goes on the offensive, teaming up with Victor to escape after Vic is shunned by Ms. March. Ms. March kills him, and Nina is taken down to Dr. Frank’s lab for the procedure.
Just as things look bleak, Frank turns on Ms. March and puts her brain inside the cat. He helps Nina escape, but Ms. March traps him inside the machine and melts him. Nina flees the house just as it explodes.
The End. Yes, really. That uneventful.
VERDICT: SOMEONE DO SOMETHING.
Hell, do ANYTHING. Not saying boobies would’ve helped, but that would’ve at least been more interesting than watching a solid hour of three chicks from different countries with no accents (except for Anita, thank you darlin’!) whine about what they’re going to do while an old crone sits around wringing her hands and spying on them like a barracuda in a goldfish pond.
The original title to this movie was Monstrosity,
though the name got changed for whatever reason. There was also an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000
that featured this movie, so you can check it out if you’re a fan of the show.
The movie was 66 minutes long, but it felt like three hours of watching paint dry because of the boredom. Nothing really out there happens until the last ten minutes or so. Anita goes nuts and thinks she’s a cat after having her brain replaced, and no one seems to consider for a minute how weird this is.
And, strangely, kind of kinky.
Many of the older indies from the 60s seem to have a charm to them. Classics like The Ape Man
and The Amazing Transparent Man
tend to have their allure, despite being utter cinematic poo-poo.
This steaming pile of donkey crap, however, misses the whole idea of what makes a Bad Movie. It’s just a bad movie (notice the caps, right?). Maybe if the film hadn’t tried to take itself so seriously, it might have at least been funny.
The narrator just killed the movie for me, and managed to make me want to hunt him down. Here I am, trying to get into the movie, and he starts yapping like a well-spoken pain in the a**. I like to think I’m smarter than the average man-child, so I typically don’t have a hard time picking up on what’s going on in a movie or on stage when the action has no dialogue. I really don’t need some blowhard telling me what’s going on.
It’s like that one redneck in the theater that talks to the screen.
In truth, the narrator was probably the worst part of this movie. Do away with him, and…well hell. Not even that could save this boring piece of crap. Hurry up and flush it before it stinks up the house.
Don’t believe me? Fine! YOU friggin’ watch it!