Fail-Flix

Bad Movies Beware!

Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror-I don’t remember eating corn…

Oh wow!  Children of the Corn V: Fields of TerrorI loved the original movie.  It was dark, disturbing, and wrong on so many levels.  Really, it was one of Stephen King’s best stories.  It translated well to film, though some things were changed since there are just some things you can’t show kids doing to people on screen.
This movie.  Oooh, THIS movie.
There are 9 movies total in the Children of the Corn film series.  Really, they aren’t all that chronological, so you don’t miss a whole lot of pertinent information by skipping around a little once you’ve watched the original.
Yet, THIS movie was the one chosen to be on the 10 Classic Horror Movies set I got for Christmas.  Classic?  Really?  We have iconic greats like Puppet Master, Prom Night, and…wait a sec.
Yeah, those two are really the only classics.
Halloween H20Negative, Ghost Rider.  Not a classic.
ONWARDS!!
Allison and her friends Kir, Greg, and Tyrus, go on a road trip to celebrate their final weekend before college (original, right?).  They take along the urn containing the ashes of their deceased friend, Kurt.  The group is being led by their friend, Lazio, who is driving ahead and leaving blow-up dolls behind as sign posts for them to follow.
Lazio and his girlfriend are killed off in a nearby corn field.  They lasted about eight minutes or so into the film.  Okay, so a little something up front.  I’ll bite.
Might as well have bitten into a turd sandwich.
As they are driving down a back country road near the corn fields one of Lazio’s dolls blows onto the windshield of the car.  Greg, who is played by Alexis Arquette, (I’ll explain later) loses control, and the car ends up in a ditch.  No one is hurt, but Kir gets covered in Kurt ashes.
Kir brushes herself off after one truly awkward line: “Ugh, I got Kurt all over me!”
Really?
Not that there’s much a good freak out would’ve done, but most of the girls I know would’ve flipped s**t upon being covered in corpse dust.  Just saying.
They are met by Ezekiel and a few of the other children from the corn field and told to leave.  The group backtracks and finds their way into town where they take in a local bar run by none other than Kane Hodder. 
I don’t know about you, but I think it would’ve been awesome to have Jason Voorhees serve me a Guinness!
Anywho, one of the locals tells Allison and Greg about the children in the next town over worshipping “He Who Walks Behind the Rows.”  Allison panics and leaves, and we find out after the group holes up in an abandoned house (the one from the opening sequence where Ezekiel kills the residents off) that her brother joined the followers of He Who Walks Behind the Rows after she moved out and left him to their drunken father.
Outside we get some exposition from the group, and they then all decide to leave.  Kir, having read the town book and talked to a cute boy (no, seriously), attends Jacob’s ceremony where he tells Ezekiel and the others that he can’t turn himself over to He Who Walks Behind the Rows and leaves.
Okay, that’s getting a little tedious.  I get on a roll, I get the review moving, and then BAM!  I have to type in He Who Walks Behind the Rows.  I bet that dude HATES writing a check.
His name is now Bob.
Jacob flees, and Kir steps forward and swears to live by the laws and faith of Bob (much easier!)  Ezekiel accepts her offer to sacrifice herself, and she climbs the silo and leaps into the green fire. 
Allison, Greg, and Tyrus (Really?  Why not just “Ty,” and don’t tell anyone your real name?) go looking for Kir and wind up in a confrontation with the children. 
Allison runs to get help, and Greg and Tyrus fight off the horde.  When Allison returns, she has the police with her.  The chief confronts Luke and is killed when Luke’s head splits open and belches fire in the chief’s face.
Allison runs, meets up with Greg and Tyrus, and they hide out in the barn where they find Jacob dying from a stab wound inflicted by Ezekiel.  Tyrus is killed off by Kir’s cute boy, and Greg blows up the car he is hiding under to avoid the Children. 
Allison grabs a few cans of gas, bundles them up, and heads for the silo…wait a sec.  WAIT A SEC. 
Okay, I work in construction.  We have those same metal gas cans out on the site, and each can holds about five gallons of gas.  This chick bundles up about three or four of them and carries them off like they weigh NOTHING.
Not only that, she climbs the silo and drops them in!  REALLY?!  I can carry two, at best, and I am not a small person.  This chick has to weigh 90lbs SOAKING WET.  I mean, c’mon, people!  I’m all about suspending my disbelief, but I gotta have SOME realism.  It’s what handicaps the heroes!
The silo erupts in flame and Bob’s reign of terror is done.  As Allison starts to leave, Ezekiel attacks her.  She kills him, and descends to meet with the children below.  She tells them that they are free from Bob.
Weeks later, we find Allison at Lily’s house.  Lily was Jacobs wife and the underage mother of their baby boy.  Lily’s parents explain that Lily is a child and cannot raise the baby.  They leave, and Allison sings to the baby as the fires of Bob burn in his eyes.
The End.
VERDICT: WHY?!
For what reason did they decide to make yet ANOTHER Children of the Corn movie?!  What were they thinking?  There’s only so far you can go with that story.  After that it’s like trying to squeeze juice out of a pickled dog turd.
Let’s start with the premise.  Ezekiel gets possessed by Bob (that sounds awkward) and leads a new generation of Children of the Corn.  Okay, fine. 
Wait a sec: Didn’t Bob die in the last one?!
Okay, so they retconned (short for “Retroactive Continuity, kiddos) the last movie.  And the one before that.  And the one before…Christ.  The story might as well have been the characters walking around going: “We have no idea how to get this thing off the ground.  Let’s go here and talk to these people and see what happens!  Oops!  Didn’t like that!  Let’s try over here!”
I mean, who wrote this crap?  Yeah, it says Ethan Wylie, but I’m thinking Claudio Fragasso.  You know, the same nimrod who shat Troll 2 onto our dinner plates.  The dialogue is cheesy, and some of it is in that same Pidgin English as the dialogue in Troll 2.
The acting is horrific, save for one actor and his one scene.  Luke is played by none other than Kane himself: David Carradine!  A scene with him jumping up and Kung-Fu kicking Allison in the beanbag would’ve made this pile of crap tolerable.
Greg is played by…Alexis Arquette?  WTF?! 
Oh.  Ah.
Okay, I have to admit: Alexis Arquette (Born Robert Arquette) did a good job stepping out of her comfort zone and playing a goofy dude.  But, it doesn’t excuse bad dialogue that could’ve been left unsaid most of the time.
The ending is predictable, right up to the fire of Bob in the baby’s eyes.  Who didn’t see that coming?  Really?  I’d have to ask if you had been watching the same movie as me.
In a nutshell, this is one of those movies that should never have been made.  Low budget, low talent, and rush-job cinematography make up a mess of what could’ve been an entertaining crappy movie.  This film wasn’t quite the violent shart in the britches of the industry that Manos: Hands of Fate was, but it does rank up there with Amityville 3-D.

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This entry was posted on June 24, 2014 by in creepy kids, Supernatural Silliness.
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