…I think I’m gonna be sick.
For a long time, I swore by Troll 2 as the worst movie ever made. Then, there was Manos: The Hands of Fate, dethroning Troll 2 in all of the explosive crappy glory that can generally only be witnessed during the aftermath of binge-eating Taco Bell.
I looked everywhere for the first movie, but I had no luck. Apparently it’s a cult phenomenon, which should’ve been my first clue that I was in for hell. Not that I don’t like or respect cult movies, but I’m realistic: most of the time a cult movie is gonna be bad.
Charming, but bad.
Birdemic 2: The Resurrection opens with a young man walking down the street in Hollywood with some hokey seventies music playing in the background. As he turns the corner, I brace myself for something to happen.
I mean, really! It’s not an unrealistic expectation for things to go to hell quickly in an action/creature flick. I lean forward, bracing myself to see people torn apart by angry crazed birds.
Wait for it. Wait for it.
What the f**k?
For five minutes straight, I watch a dude walk down the street from every angle known to man while listening to peppy, poppy seventies elevator music.
Dude, who we soon find out is named Bill, meets Gloria in a local dive that’s obviously a closed down diner used as the “restaurant” setting for the film. They stare awkwardly at each other, then the boom mic turns on with a loud static hiss, and we hear the first epic line of this masterpiece:
Let’s skip ahead, because the next six minutes are spent watching Bill talk about his movie with Nathalie and Rod, the survivors of the first Birdemic. Bill is doing a new movie that he’s written, and he needs a million dollars to fund it. Rod immediately writes him a check for $100,000 to get him going.
WTF does he do for a living? Can I have some!?
Hey, Rod! Buy me a house! With a pool that someone else takes care of!
What’s sad is that the entire movie plays out like this. I haven’t seen this much exposition in a film since Sense and Sensibility. GOLF has more action and excitement than this massive Arnold Palmer turd.
The rest of the movie is Bill getting an endorsement for his movie, his relationship with Gloria developing, and the two of them hanging out with Rod and Nathalie. The producers at the studio are hesitant to fund Bill’s movie.
“Where are the topless chicks? Where are the sex scenes? No blood? No guts?”
No s**t, guys.
Let me make sure you understand that I am NOT exaggerating: we are now fifteen minutes into this movie, and NOTHING has happened yet.
Let’s fast-forward, because there is more nothing to come. No, really, nothing. We meet Nathalie’s young cousin, or brother, or son, or something at the local museum when they go to look at the bird exhibit, but he goes away after the scene is over.
Okay, so he was a figment of EVERYONE’s imagination?
About 25 minutes in, a girl is attacked in the ocean. She runs ashore and is rescued by our fabulous four. She tells them that she was attacked by a “Giant Jumbo Jellyfish.”
Take note that this is what EVERYONE in the movie calls it throughout the rest of the scene.
At least we’re finally getting some action (and alliteration).
The scene ends, and the event is never mentioned again in the movie. Ever. What the hell is with this movie? It’s like an unmedicated ADD Vietnamese guy with no experience or training wrote it!
Skipping…skipping…okay, I’m sparing you. No, really. I could sit here and write 5,000 words on the story, or I could just skip to the F**KING 45 MINUTE MARK WHERE WE FINALLY GET WHAT THE ENTIRE F**KING MOVIE IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT!!
The rain turns red, and Hollywood is attacked by thousands of birds animated courtesy of…a hacked Sega CD? WTF did they use? The special effects are GIF images overlaid onto the shot like plastic wrap on moldy leftovers from Thanksgiving.
Our heroes escape the set with the sound and camera guys just as the birds kill everyone else. Nathalie screams for them to grab a…hanger? Okay, so hangers are super-weapons in this movie? Apparently they were in the first film, but they don’t help this time.
Eventually Gloria and Nathalie forgo weaponry and break out the martial arts. Yes, they actually go hand-to-wing combat with the pissed-off fowl like a round of Mortal Kombat. Note: neither one of them have martial arts choreography here, so it looks more like the local nerdy fat kid trying to do karate in his back yard.
The crew finds a cemetery where a few people are walking around and stop to check on them. Yeah, they aren’t people.
Zombies. F**king ZOMBIES.
“I made a movie about killer birds, and decided: HEY! What the Hell? Let’s put zombies in it! That’ll work!” Not.
After a few more shenanigans the gang ends up at a local zoo. The zookeeper, obviously a Mr. Miyagi fan, explains that the birds are attacking those who do not live a green lifestyle. They are reacting to global warming and will leave if everyone starts living a green way of life.
…oh, my God. I’m watching an environmental statement. Sigh.
A final attack from the birds kills off the last stage hand, and the four main characters in the movie stand over his corpse floating in a swimming pool as the birds turn and fly away.
I guess they swore to leave a small environmental footprint?
The End. Credits. That’s it. Fini.
VERDICT: BURY IT IN A LANDFILL, COVER IT IN OIL, AND BURN.
Not that I’m against watching a movie that makes a statement, but there are ways to go about it. Take Wall-E, for example. Right away, as soon as the film opens, it’s pretty obvious that the world is f**ked up because of us and what we did. It takes on the issue of pollution by going deeper and showing how it’s not that simple. It looks at over-consumption, consumerism, and control.
However, Birdemic 2 tries to focus on the fact that we pollute, and nature is pissed about it. But what else is new? Should we pollute? Hell no, and we suck for it. But give me more, Mr. Nguyen, and don’t stuff it into a large wad and cram it directly up my a** in the last ten minutes of the movie.
Let’s look at the mechanics.
The acting was horrific to the point of being described as putrid. I don’t know if they actors were doing it on purpose, or if they’re just that bad. The script has the same awkward dialogue style as seen in Troll 2, and moments that are dragged out to the point where the actors are visibly ready to stop rolling that particular scene and are just improvising (badly) until the director yells cut.
The first 45 minutes of the movie have NOTHING to do with the premise of the film, and plays out like a romantic Hollywood movie after a night of binge-drinking cheap malt liquor. I am watching a movie about birds killing people, but I’ve got forty-five minutes of exposition to get through first?
Excuse me while I beat my head on my desk.
In writing, there is this thing we like to call “Bait and Hook.” You show the conflict early on to draw the reader in, then pan things out from there. Movies follow that same formula, more or less. Even The Lord of the Rings opens with the conflict before dropping you down into Hobbiton for some fun with Frodo.
The music is unbearable, yet it fits the feel of the first part of the film. It’s hokey, upbeat, and badly chosen. I’m not saying they should’ve gone with John Williams or Iron Maiden, but damn. Really, it’s difficult to figure out what music to use anywhere because the movie is such a hot mess. It’s hard to put the right music to your movie if you don’t really know what it’s about.
This movie, like its predecessor, has a huge cult-following of bad movie lovers, and I can’t figure out why. As a fellow lover of le Suck Cinema, I’m floored by how bad this particular bad movie is. I’m surprised it got green-lighted at all considering the damning technical issues with it, most notably the writing.
Yes. I am saying that this is a BAD bad movie.
It’s available on DVD and Blu-Ray, but why the hell would you do that to yourself? Save your money, and buy something more valuable. What household doesn’t need a banana hammock or a collection of rubber duckies?