The Slaughterhouse Massacre: The Meat Tastes Funny…
I started off the week with Autumn. It’s a zombie flick, set in Britain, and chronicles the day-to-day goings-on of a group of survivors that are holed up in a school gym. Or store. Or something.
Bored. To. Tears.
Deciding that only heroin would make this movie interesting, I hit Netflix in search of something juicy. Oh, dear God, did I find it. The Slaughterhouse Massacre jumped out at me like a tranny-granny clown at a mom-n-pops trailer park haunted garage tour on Halloween night.
Slaughterhouse, like so many others, is a camcorder movie done with some clever (read: inept) editing and classic-style special effects (more like “Hey, we went to Walmart!”). But, the film boasts “intense” nudity and sexual situations, and massive amounts of blood and gore, so I gave it a look.
The movie opens with a couple making out in a car parked in front of the local slaughterhouse. The girl insists that she wants to have sex in the room on the table where they kill the animals. The boy is hesitant, so she begins to masturbate graphically in the seat.
Okay, so far the film is delivering on its promise of intense sex.
The boy gives in since he’s missing the action, and they enter. Cut to Mickey Sickle, the lone worker in the place. He is hacking up a cow, and leaves the room. The couple sneaks in, and strips as soon as the coast is clear. The scene is almost hardcore.
Somewhere, this chick’s parents are CRYING.
They flip over to missionary, and the girl screams. Cut to present day, ten years later. We meet Mandy, her boyfriend Justin, his best friend Bobby, and Bobby’s girlfriend Tina. Justin is a tad unfaithful, and likes to try and get into the pants of the school slut. Bobby hangs out with a guy named Stoner (yeah, he likes weed). Bobby also likes to party.
Speaking of parties, the group attends a house party later that is fully-stocked with alcohol, drugs, food, lesbians, and sex. Mandy walks in on a guy using the bathroom…twice.
Okay, it was funny once, Herr Director. Let the gag die.
Bobby and Justin have made an arrangement with Stoner to go to the slaughterhouse and pull a prank to scare the girls. They all leave, and Mandy and Justin spend the evening fighting because Justin was all over the school slut again.
And this is the last we see of the slut.
Yes, each character is a stereotype. Mandy is the “Girl-Next-Door” type who never does anything wrong, Tina is the partying best friend, Justin is the horny school jock, and Bobby is the hopeless party animal.
The group breaks into the slaughterhouse, and we get a montage of the areas we’re likely to see again. The one of particular interest is the guillotine area, where cows are beheaded.
We are now about halfway through the movie. Nothing has really happened yet. Jeez.
The group arrives at the area where Sickle was killed and recite the rhyme that is supposed to bring him back. It doesn’t seem to work, and they try to leave but inexplicably get mixed up. Bobby runs across a figure he thinks is Stoner, and it actually turns out to be Sickle.
“Gotta split,” Sickle says, grinning. He takes one good slash, and Bobby falls away in two vertical halves. This is the tone of the rest of the movie. Sickle is a wise-cracking slasher fiend who takes joy in tossing around jokes as he toys with his victims before killing them.
Anyone a Freddy Kruger fan, much?
Tina finds Bobby and flips out. Justin and Mandy hear her and find her in the room in shock. Justin searches around and goes to her. “Where’s Bobby?!”
What the hell? Did you not see him, ya twat?!
Holy Bad Editing, Batman.
Sickle attacks, leaving Tina wounded. The three escape into a storage room and lock the door. Justin breaks out a window that is small enough for the girls to get through. Mandy and Tina leave to get help, and Sickle kills Justin.
Meanwhile, Stoner meets up with a good ol’ boy cop with a HIGHLY overdone redneck accent. “Lemme see some eye-dee, boy.” “Whatchew been doin’ boy?” “Yew comin’ with me, boy.”
Have another Copenhagen-flavored donut, boy.
Sickle finds Tina and Mandy in a storage building and decapitates Tina. He chases Mandy, but she fights him off and escapes back into the slaughterhouse. She finds Justin, and remembers that Sickle has to be decapitated in order to return to his eternal rest. She lures him into the cow guillotine room and into the guillotine.
Oh, and let it be noted that even though the hole is a good 3ft tall by 5ft wide, she still cannot get through without stripping off her skirt, which matches with her inexplicably open blouse. So she is now running around in her underoos.
Sickle follows her through the hole, and she throws the lever holding up the blade and ends his reign of ridiculousness…I mean terror. Stoner shows up, sees the scene, and helps her out of the slaughterhouse. The movie ends with what has to be the most epic finishing line in cinematic history:
“We need to go to the police.”
VERDICT: MAD COW DISEASE.
This movie follows formula of your basic slasher-porn flick. Lots of blood and gore, boobies, and a gratuitous sex scene that borders on something you’d find on the internet. But following formula doesn’t mean that a slasher-flick is going to be worth the film it’s shat on.
The writing is, to say the least, awful. The characters have no real reason for anything, and even the plot twist where Mandy admits she’s pregnant is anticlimactic. Having stereotypical characters in these movies is par for the course, but part of the fun is figuring out who is what during the first act. Pretty much giving them a sign and having them overact to it with dialogue written by your kid sister is a little lame.
Sickle is a joke. The guy has very few lines, and they tried so hard to make his voice sound like Freddy Kruger that it’s laughable. What few lines he has are quips and jokes that fall flat and add no shock value to anything he does. What made Freddy great was how dark his humor was. If they had made Sickle less chatty, he would’ve been more effective.
And edit, for the love of God! Scenes where characters walk through a door and out of the shot change camera angles to that same character still standing in the doorway doing the same activity they were doing before the camera had a conniption. In Bobby’s death scene, it was blatantly obvious that they either didn’t have the funding or the time to properly edit and rewrite the scene. Both halves of Bobby are in plain view, and they still spend time looking for him without noticing that he’s half the man he used to be.
Yeah, I’m singing the song, too.
All-in-all, this movie leaves scary behind in favor of T&A and campiness that isn’t even endearing. If you want scary, watch something more visceral and psychologically warping. Yo, Gabba-Gabba is just terrifying.