Bad Movies Beware!

In the Dead of Winter-Banjos, Keyboards, and Buffoonary

In the Dead of Winter
Redneck serial killers on the run, killing everyone they come across.  In The Dead of Winter is promising.  We have blood, we have violence, and we have hick morons reunited to make the snow red.  What can possibly go wrong?
Tucker is released from prison after a stint he served for killing a guard dog.  He is picked up by his buddies Luke, Roy, and Dean.  The first place they stop is the home of Sheriff Steve, and Tucker guns him down.
From this, we’re to assume that Sheriff Steve is the reason Tucker was locked up.  Tuck and his friends leave, and we get a montage of the snowy wilderness of Whereverthef**k in the great state of Whogivesadamn, USA. 
Where are we going?  You tell me dammit.
They next meet a vacationing middle aged couple hauling snowmobiles on a flatbed truck.  Tuck and the gang tie up the couple and steal the snowmobiles. 
Next up is a couple on their honeymoon.  The girl is trying to seduce her new husband by pelting him with snowballs and shaking her hips like a bad silent film.
The Copenhagen Rejects descend on the couple like a bad case of anal warts and take the girl hostage to use for sex. They bury the man up to his neck in the yard after he stabs Roy in the foot with a knife. 
The girl manages to steal Tuck’s gun and holds the group back.  Roy pulls his snowmobile up to the guy’s head and waits for the word to run him over.  The girl shoots Roy, but he isn’t killed and runs over the honeymooner’s head.  The girl screams, there’s a struggle, and Dean stabs her to death.
Yes.  This, so far, is the entire movie.  Montage.  New characters.  The four morons kill them.  Redneck Skullduggery.  Wash, rinse, repeat. 
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins.
After another montage, a mysterious figure in the woods takes potshots at the foursome.  The group scrambles and splits up.  Luke agrees to try and get Roy help for his foot, which is frostbitten.  Roy is dying of blood poisoning.  Dean and Tuck push on, trying to find the person hunting them.
They split up when Tuck sees the figure duck behind a tree.  Dean scouts ahead, and Tuck shoots him by mistake.  At this point the movie flips back and forth between Roy and Luke, and Tuck forging ahead on his own.
Luke parks Roy under a tree and pushes on, following a dark figure out onto a frozen lake.  He falls through the ice and drowns.  Roy dies from exposure.
Tuck runs into the figure, who turns out to be Sheriff Steve.  As luck would have it, Tuck shot Sheriff Steve on his birthday-the day he got a bulletproof vest from his wife.  They fight, and Tuck manages to get Steve’s gun.  Tuck tries to shoot, but the gun is empty.
Sheriff Steve recovers and traps Tuck in a cluster of bear traps.  He walks away, deciding not to kill Tuck directly.  He leaves Tuck on the side of the river, trapped and exposed to the weather.
The End.  No, really.  That’s it. 
VERDICT: Naked, falling backwards into a hog pen.
This movie…what the hell, where do I start?!  It’s a camcorder movie, so expect the same cinematography you get with internet porn.  While I don’t have anything against these indie flicks, it’s still easy to tell when they are trying, when they aren’t trying, and when they have no idea what they’re doing.  What the f**k did they use to film this s**t?!  An iPhone 6?! 
No wonder it’s a little bent.
The acting is abysmal.  Even with a poorly-written script, the live delivery was on par with an elementary school production of Scarface with a heavy dose of DeliveranceThe redneck characters were way overdone, and the victims were so helpless that I wondered how they managed to survive even up to this point.
The music was probably the worst part of this movie as far as production goes.  It’s as if the writer/director had a friend who knew a friend who knew a buddy who had a kissing cousin who knew how to play keyboard, and he paired them up with Uncle Sister-Auntie to play banjo for every scene in the film.  No, really.  This SLASHER flick had the most upbeat techno music EVER.
Serial Killer cuts girl's eyelids off.  Next up: Blink-182
You’ll notice that they synopsis is kind of short because I didn’t take the time to describe every montage in the movie.  Probably a third of the movie is the techno-savvy Trailer Park Jug Band playing the redneck dance club inbreeding mix while the characters either walked, drove, or laid there contemplating whatever.  God forbid we have characters that actually have SOME sort of development outside of craving beer, chaw, and gentle touch of a close relative at Christmas.
Do yourself the favor of avoiding this movie like it’s a monkey covered in Liquid Ass.

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This entry was posted on September 28, 2014 by in asstard, Cheesy Slasher Flix, gory, stupidity.
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