Frozen in Fear- Like Eating Yellow Snow…
I thought I ordered this tea without ice.
Back in the saddle with movie number two from the Serial Killers collection I got from a buddy at work. He did warn me that none of the movies in the collection were good, and I didn’t doubt him. Typically, there’s usually one good one on the disc.
I’m terrified that Frozen in Fear may be the one.
The original title of the film is The Flying Dutchman, which was weird because it had nothing to do with the famed ghost ship captained by Davy Jones. But, if you go to IMDB.com and search for Frozen in Fear, you’ll get a smorgasbord of s**t that has nothing to do with this movie.
Because, you know, everyone totally tries to look up this pile of feces.
The film opens with Sean, a young boy who walks in on his mom banging another guy. He runs out of the house, and his father goes in and catches Mom in the act. He exacts revenge by dragging both her and Sean out onto the ocean in his boat and drops Mom overboard. She grabs him along the way, and Sean loses both parents to the sea.
Flash-forward to present day (if present day took place in the 80s). An art dealer purchases a painting from an old woman, and brings it back to New York. Lacy sees it, and drags her assistant, Polly, with her back to the town where the painting was purchased.
Moira, the old woman who sold the painting, explains that it was done by a local man named Sean. Lacy and Polly also meet the sheriff, Ethan, and hear about the town mayor, Ben, who also happens to be Sean and Ethan’s father.
These are the only four residents in this hellhole.
I mean this quaint little hellhole.
Polly heads back to New York, and Lacy meets Sean, who is a kind and quiet man. In fact, he never speaks, and she soon discovers that he was rendered mute after watching both of his parents die in a boating accident.
BUT WE KNOW WHAT REALLY HAPPENED.
Lacy trips and is injured in the woods. Sean finds her and takes her back to his place. We discover that Sean is more than a little creepy, copping feels and kissing Lacy in naughty spots while she sleeps.
Oh yeah. During all of this a couple of girls are grabbed and hauled off with a bag over their heads by an unseen assailant. Big whoop-di-doo.
No, really. These events take a back-seat to a montage of Lacy tracking Sean and boning him over and over again in his house. Polly gets worried and drives out to the town, and Lacy meets Ben, who has a complicated relationship with his sons and a slightly awkward relationship with his sister, Moira.
Sean, as it turns out, is a serial killer that Ethan, Ben, and Moira have kept hidden away for years in his secluded cabin. Sean nabs Polly and is about to kill her when Lacy shows up with Ethan. Ethan, who is drunk, is bested by Sean. Lacy rescues Polly, and Ben steps in to fight his son. Sean kills Ben, then is killed by Lacy.
Lacy and Polly go to help Ethan and discover that Sean has escaped and run off towards the lake. They follow him and find that he’s fallen beneath the ice.
Back in New York, Lacy is at an art expo when she receives a phone call. It’s Sean, doing his best Hannibal Lecter impersonation.
This was a made for TV movie with a decent amount of nudity in it, so I’m guessing maybe HBO or something. Who knows? Even better: who cares?
Let’s start at my favorite go-to: the acting. This movie doesn’t set any new standards with the acting prowess (or lack thereof) of the actors, but it isn’t good. A lot of time it seems wooden and a little forced. Ah, f**k it. I felt like I was watching the Carousel of Progress at Disney World.
The writing, really, was probably the biggest issue with this pile of dog crap…I mean movie. I’m trying to be nicer these days. Better myself as human being and such.
It’s not working.
The plot and dialogue seemed like they were just half-thrown together with no real direction for the movie to go. It meanders along like a lost toddler in a toy store and moves at a pace that would make the building of Rome look like a rush-job.
We get lots of scenery, Lacy asking about Sean, lots more scenery, shady characters, Lacy asking about Sean, Polly whining, Lacy asking about Sean, more Polly whining, Ben making out with Moira, Sean and Lacy playing Legos: Perv Edition, more Polly whining, Ethan getting drunk, and credits. Masterful writing, let me tell you. I’m sure even Stephen King could learn a thing or two.
Sadly, as I said earlier, this might be the good film on the collection. I still have two more movies to go, and it really can only go downhill from here. If you’re into TV movies, give it a look. If you’re into keeping your sanity by not being so bored you’d actually consider using a hot steam iron on your face just to see what happens, avoid.