Disturbed-Beer Goggles won’t save this one.
What in the hell did I just watch?
In my time as a reviewer of all things cinematically s**ty, I’ve found a few gems that just stand out like boils on the anus of the industry. Most of them have been indie flicks. Not that I have a particular problem with indies, but indies tend to really show it when there is a particular lack of effort on the part of the people involved.
I’m not going to lie, I do advocate for independent film and theater. Independent film is what the industry thrives on for new ideas because, Lord knows, Hollywood sure as hell hasn’t come up with anything truly original in years.
Then we get s**t stains like Disturbed,
and my faith in the independent industry gets shaken like the bowels of a customer at Taco Bell.
The film opens with a copout…I mean “prologue” featuring a politician who is recording the events of trial. Turns out the guilty guy, Mason, is being sent up death row for killing a lot of people, particularly women, due to his hatred of women stemming from an incestuous relationship with his mother.
Ew. Cliché, but ew.
Cut to Ashley and her sister and brother, Peyton and Alex. Peyton is supposed to be in middle school, judging by her behavior, yet the actress is obviously old enough to vote. Ashley is the older sister and a real estate agent, yet she’s maybe the same age as Peyton if not a year older. Alex is the slacker in the family and is also the brother of writer/director/producer/every-other-job-on-the-film guy, who also happens to play Mason.
Yeah. One of those. I’m surprised the credits weren’t on poster board.
Oh dear God. The acting. OH GOD, THE ACTING IS HORRIFIC! What the…is there no script?! What the hell?! It’s all improv?!
(Beats head on desk. A lot.)
From this point on, the plot meanders in about four hundred different directions. Okay, I’m exaggerating. Three hundred and seventy-two. Really, it’s just a nightmare trying to cypher out what’s pertinent and what’s fluff. I can save some time though. About every scene up to the end of the film is filler. There are events that happen that are never discussed or referred to again.
For example: Peyton wears leg braces, I guess to help her not act like she’s an adult child or something. Hell, she doesn’t walk funny or anything, so there’s really no explanation as to why she wears them. Also, she only wears them in one scene. After that she’s just a typical twelve-year-old stuck in a college student’s body.
If you have a child character, please cast a child. Really.
I’ll just skip the rest of the fluff and get straight to it. Mason ends up getting into the house during a party that Ashley and her siblings are hosting. One of the goers notices him and points him out to the group. Ashley looks up, right at Mason as he is backing away into the shadows, then back to the guest.
“There’s nobody there.”
WHAT?! Are you friggin’ BLIND?! YOU JUST LOOKED RIGHT AT THE GUY! What the hell is up with these people?! It reminded me of Thankskilling
, really. You know, the scene where the turkey disguises himself as a six-foot redneck by simply putting on glasses and a mustache, and everyone is cool with it.
Anywho, shortly after the events of the party, Alex leaves to get more beer for himself and his girlfriend. Mason shows up and kills off Alex’s girl, then waits for Alex to return home and stabs him in the stomach with a knife.
Ashley encounters Mason upstairs and a struggle ensues. Mason beats down Ashley, strips her, and rapes her on her bed while Peyton watches. Afterwards, he takes Ashley to the shower and starts to assaulter her again. Suddenly, Alex shows up and tackles him. They struggle, and Alex uses his karate to send Mason over the bannister and twenty feet down to the floor.
Alex and Ashley go downstairs, but Mason is gone. Alex heads outside and discovers Mason by the pool. He jump kicks Mason into the pool, killing him.
Because swimming pools are deadly and s**t.
The EMTs show up and take care of Ashley and her siblings while the coroners haul off Mason. The ambulance pulls over on a dirt road, and one of them opens the body bag. He greets Mason with: “Hello…brother.”
The End. Thank God.
VERDICT: SOMEBODY FLUSH THIS TURD!
There are no words that can describe how bad this movie is, but I can think of a few really creative and colorful ones, most of them involving monkeys, footballs, and cotton candy.
I said I was creative.
The acting and the writing went hand-in-hand like a marriage made in hell. Why? The lack of a script wasn’t the only thing that hurt this heap of s**t, but it was the one major issue that stood out like pervert at a Putt-Putt birthday party.
It probably would’ve worked if the actors were actually able to act. I mean, hell, ACT like you know what you’re doing. I haven’t seen dialogue this awkward and meandering since Love,Actually.
They talked over each other constantly, and there were far too many times that they were obviously struggling to keep the scene going.
The girls in the movie came off far too whiny. Ashley was the overbearing older sister in charge and was obviously no older than the girl playing Peyton. Oh wait: Peyton was her real name too! Same with Alex. That’s not breaking the fourth wall for effect, that’s called L.A.W.
The movie ends with a sequel obviously in mind, but one can hope that it’ll never happen. Sequels tend to be worse, and there isn’t enough heroin in the world that could make me able to sit through something worse than Disturbed.
What disturbs me is the fact that someone kept telling Randy Aldridge that this was good stuff and that the action and scenes were fabulous. It’s the only thing I can think of that would’ve made this shot-by-camera phone film possible. Otherwise, it’s just another case of time that would’ve been better spent watching a toilet flush.