Bad Movies Beware!
It’s Christmastime again in Movieland!
That’s right! Tis the season to eat, drink, be merry, give to your fellow man, and deck the halls with cinematic poo-poo!
This year I started off with something a little rare. Silent Night is actually billed as a remake, or reimagining, of the original Silent Night, Deadly Night 1984 film which featured a serial-killing Santa Claus.
The original film was panned by critics and banned in several cities because of the shocking and offensive idea of taking the season’s most beloved character and making him into a bloodthirsty, homicidal maniac.
Why not? He’s already got felony B&E on his rap sheet.
The 2012 film Silent Night wasn’t given the same treatment as the original, which may or may not speak well for today’s society. Hell, I think being completely bat guano is kind of expected these days anyway.
No, this movie was panned because it just sucked.
We open with a nutcase making what ends up being the most disturbing Santa mask ever. He has two people tied up in a house. The woman is lying on the bed upstairs with her hands and feet bound, and the man is down in the basement tied to a chair with Christmas lights.
Santa walks in, and the man pleads for his life, claiming that he didn’t know that the woman was married. Santa is wielding a double-bladed axe, so we’re already set for some chop ‘em up action.
Wyle E. Santa flips a switch and electrocutes the man with the Christmas lights. What the hell? Dude, how long did THAT take to set up? Kris Kringle has way more patience than I ever would.
Anywho, scene shift to Aubrey, who gets a call from HOLY S**TBEANS! IT’S MALCOLM FREAKIN’ MCDOWELL! THIS MOVIE IS GOING TO ROCK!
The sheriff tells Aubrey to come in and act as deputy for the day because the deputy hasn’t shown up to work. She reluctantly agrees, has a pleasant stereotypical interaction with her parents (she still lives at home? What the…?), and heads out to the office.
Meanwhile, a bratty fourteen-year-old girl is screaming torrents of profanity at her mother. Mom leaves the room, and girl answers a knock at the door to find Serial Santa looming over her. He takes a cattle prod and zaps her with it, then runs her through with a poker.
This scene bugged me a little because I’m not really down with violence towards kids. However, I’m to understand that I would find the scene quite cathartic if I were to spend a quality amount of time with a fourteen-year-old girl.
Aubrey spends her day chasing pithy little complaints and arguments around town and ends up discovering the body of Deputy Jordan. Turns out he’s the man from the beginning scene, and the woman he was with was married as her husband is at the station filing a missing persons report.
Enter the sheriff with more inane bravado and macho writing. Malcolm McDowell does what he can with what he has to work with, but damn.
Santa happens across a motel room where a group is filming a soft-core porn. Santa kills off the cameraman and the assistant, and the topless starlet goes running out the door.
Yup, you guessed it. Christmas boobies bringing yuletide cheer!
Note: the chick looks like Danielle Harris though she actually is credited as Cortney Palm, so I don’t really know what’s going on now. I hit IMDB, and they both have separate profiles, but they look like the same person.
The film industry is so confusing.
AAAAAAANYWHO, Santa chases her into a Christmas tree lot and chops her leg off with his trusty axe. He picks her up and performs the tour-de-force kill that had everyone in the blogging community a-buzz: he feeds her into a wood chipper.
That’s it. It doesn’t get any better than that. The rest of the kills in the film are anti-climatic, and the movie meanders on through a series of “OH MY GOD!”, “We’ll get the bastard!” and the occasional “What does he want?”.
Most of the script is pretty much made up of those three phrases. Through the confusion we figure out that Santa is only killing off the “naughty.” He goes after the perverted town reverend, the corrupt mayor, and the mayor’s tramp daughter.
Fast-forward through some more irrelevant dialogue and scenes, and the movie climaxes at the police station after Aubrey finds her father butchered in his house. Santa kills off the sheriff, the other male officer that doesn’t contribute anything to the film, and the bad Santa locked up in the cell.
Aubrey shows up and goes after him with a fire axe. They have an “axe fight,” which is supposed to be like a sword fight…but with axes…I guess.
Aubrey succeeds in using Santa’s flamethrower to catch him on fire and burn him alive. The camera pulls back dramatically on the Santa mask burning slowly on the floor but no sign of the Santa Claus Killer.
Scene change. We find out that Santa was actually the child of a man who was gunned down by Aubrey’s father years ago. The kid’s dad dressed as Santa and burned several people alive with a flamethrower before getting shot and killed while the kid watched.
The End. Please, no sequels. Jesus.
I’d say it’s been a while since I watched something this bad, but that would be a bold-faced lie. I can say that it’s been a while since I watched something so blatantly irrelevant.
The acting is subpar at best, but let’s do some real talk: you can only do so much when the script was obviously written by a middle school boy who watches too many slasher flicks.
Not to say that the movie was lacking in any of the typical slasher categories, that’s far from true. You had your gratuitous boobies scene that actually lasted longer because Santa chased her all the way from the hotel room to the wood chipper, and the puppies were everywhere and in slow motion no less!
You had the over-the-top gore as well. I mean they may have used up their entire budget just on blood and gore makeup because it sure as hell didn’t go to training the actors or editing the script.
Honestly, the wood chipper kill was the centerpiece of the entire movie. As much as I try to stay away from processed foods, there’s just something about a heaping serving of mechanically separated naked chick. I wonder if she comes with fries.
See what I did there?
Outside the gore and kill creativity, the movie was really just a forgettable mess. It was touted as a reimagining of Silent Night, Deadly Night, and it nodded to the original in a few scenes, but it ultimately had NOTHING to do with the original other than a guy in a Santa suit killing off the a**holes in town.
If you’re looking for a montage of blood, gore, and gleefully over-done Wyle E. Coyote-style kills, give it a look (providing you can find this rare…gem. Yeah, we’ll just say “gem.”) Otherwise, look away. Far away. In fact, if you have a choice between watching this movie and having someone pluck the hair out of your armpits, the tweezers are in the bathroom upstairs.