Bad Movies Beware!
…um, mark this day on your calendar.
I don’t know where to begin.
I have just watched, hands down, the most messed up and disturbing Christmas movie ever. Throw in some blatant inconsistency, pile on the bad writing with a side of pig dung, and you MIGHT have the ingredients needed to describe this movie.
Santa Claus was filmed in 1959 by a Latino production company and is a Latino production. However, the director felt that it was necessary to dub it in English as well so that Americans could enjoy it.
Instead, everyone who saw it was left drooling and wondering when the next commercials would come on to give them a break from the visual lobotomy screen-raping their poor defenseless television sets.
Okay, so forget EVERYTHING you know about jolly ol’ St. Nick. He doesn’t live in a workshop in the North Pole. He actually lives in a set of castles floating in the clouds. The film opens with him laughing like a pervert impersonating James Earl Jones as he tries out random toys around his sh-
THERE’S A F**KING NARRATOR!
Why in the HELL does this movie need a narrator?! Thank you, Mr. Narrator! I wouldn’t know ANYTHING about what is happening in the scene without you telling me EVERY step of the way! Even though I can PLAINLY see what’s going on, I NEED A NARRATOR!
About like I need a second anus.
At least it’s not a variety show. I HATE VARIETY SHOWS.
ANYWHO, Santa goes to his piano, which is also a telecommunications center so that he can use the cameras to see the children making toys. That’s right. Elves? NO. He brings in special children to help him make the toys. He closes in on each group as the narrator announces them. Each group does a musical…number…
It’s a variety show. Shoot me.
Each group of kids sings a song from their respective culture. We see the kids each time, except for the ones from England because, I guess, they’re harder to come by. Yet they managed to find a group from America.
Figure that one out.
Every group sings beautifully and professionally EXCEPT the American kids, who sing “Mary Had a Little Lamb” both out of tone AND out of sync. So, I’m to guess that being American makes you a crappy singer. Or, maybe, it was done on purpose to be “cute.” Either way, the entire sequence was so bad it actually gave me the sensation of rats clawing the inside of my skull.
Scene change, and we’re in Hell. No, I mean really. Not just because I’m watching the movie, the scene ACTUALLY shifts to Hell. Did you know that devils pirouette while planning their evil deeds? Satan calls on Pitch the Devil to go to Earth and stop Santa from spreading cheer.
Yes. The Devil is targeting Santa.
Back at the North Pole, I mean Santa’s castle, Santa visits Merlin the Magician to get a supply of magical items he’ll need during his trip.
Merlin, it turns out, is whacked out of his skull. Either he’s lost his marbles completely, or he’s on some greeeaaat s**t and isn’t sharing. He dotters around his lab singing to himself and gallops like he’s on a horse everywhere he goes while he sings. He gives Santa a flower that will turn him invisible if he huffs it and magical powder to make all the children of the world sleep.
Santa heads to the observatory, where the movie just becomes a straight acid trip. The telescope can see the Earth and pinpoint the exact location of every child so that he can watch to make sure they’re behaving. It does this by spinning the colander that they attached to a metal pole while picking up the radio frequencies with the human ear sticking out of the middle of the colander.
Not making it up.
He also has a communication center that is a giant computer with a massive mouth where the monitor should be. When someone calls out to Santa’s castle, the lips move and speak in that person’s voice. It’s actually downright f**king creepy. The lips look like someone took the singing lips from Rocky Horror Picture Show and fed them shellfish just so they could see the allergic reaction.
Pitch manages to get three boys to act up, and Santa puts them on the Naughty List before he heads out. Pitch also finds a little girl, Lupita, and tries to get her to steal a doll. She refuses, and Santa praises her and promises her a visit this year. He heads out to his sleigh to get his reindeer ready. His reindeer are actually toys that he has to wind up.
Santa takes off for Earth, stopping first in Mexico because, well, this IS a Mexican movie dubbed in English. He drops off presents at each house but has to thwart Pitch at every turn. Pitch tries everything to get rid of Santa, including lighting a fire in the fireplace while Santa is climbing down.
Santa manages, though, until the last house. Pitch steals Santa’s magic items and sics a dog on him. Santa is trapped, and it’s up to Merlin to rescue him. Merlin tells Santa to use a toy cat to distract the dog.
Absurdly, this works.
Santa manages to set Pitch on fire somehow (can’t remember, I was too busy beating my head on my desk to distract myself from the pain), and Pitch runs off. Merlin tells Santa to head back to the North Pole because it’ll be daylight soon. Santa refuses, saying that he has one more house to visit.
Lupita awakens to find a large doll outside her house. She brings it in, and everyone is happy and in wonder. We all finally believe in Santa Claus, and Christmas is saved from Satan. Yay.
VERDICT: BAD TRIP FROM HELL.
This, hands down, was the most bizarre movie I have ever watched in my entire life. Considering the line-up I’ve got on the site, that says fathoms. I left out a lot because, frankly, it wasn’t pertinent. Let’s remember:
IT’S A GOD-FORSAKEN VARIETY PIECE.
Probably the most disturbing bit was Lupita’s dream. Pitch infiltrates and tries to convince her to steal. Several adults dressed as dolls with faces on both sides of the heads come out of caskets and dance around the little girl while shouting at her to steal and lie.
I almost woke up screaming for my mommy.
Really, Lupita and Santa are the two most enjoyable and down to Earth characters in the entire movie. Everyone else is either a ham, overacting every line, or a complete psycho and acting like that weird guy that hangs out at the park and stares at people.
The acting is atrocious, and the voice work is a complete mess. They managed to sync things correctly, and everything tech-wise is good, but the acting itself is awful. The writing also fails simply because the plot is laid out like a hippopotamus shart on a white wall.
I wish I could be forgiving since it was made in 1959, but A Christmas Carol starring Alastair Sim came out in 1951, and it is STILL an amazing film in every way.
All in all, I can promise you that your kids did NOTHING bad enough to warrant sitting them down in front of this s**t stain of a movie. I guarantee you that if you make them watch it, they will beg you to take them outside and pelt them with lumps of coal.
This movie was hailed as a classic, and it probably is to someone out there. But, like the fruitcake that gets mailed to every house in America every year, it’s that one turd log that just won’t flush.