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Bad Movies Beware!

The Human Centipede 2: No, I do not like chocolate pudding.

Image Credit: www.flickr.com

…okaaay.

 Ever watch a movie that just made you wish you’d never watched it? Or even heard about it?

Yeah, that would be this movie.

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The Human Centipede 2 isn’t the masterpiece that the cult following of the first film claims it is. Not that it’s tragically bad like Manos: The Hands of Fate or utterly depressing like The Butterfly Effect, but it lacks in so many areas that it leaves you sitting there wondering what the hell they fed the donkey that day to conjure up such a colossal turd.

Let’s start from the top, shall we?

Meet Martin. He works at a local parking garage in the city. The guy is a loner and mentally handicapped. He’s also obsessed with the original Human Centipede movie and watches it exclusively over and over again during his shifts.

Right there is the beginning of the end. A sequel that completely retcons the original by acknowledging that the original movie is just that: a movie. Even the lead actress from the original, Ashlynn Yennie, appears later on in the sequel as herself.

Holy copout, Batman.

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Anywho, we also get to meet Martin’s mother as well as his therapist. This guy is actually creepier than Martin and has a sexual fascination with him. Dr. Creeper touches Martin inappropriately during their sessions while Martin’s oblivious mother watches.

Yeah. That’s not weird at all.

Martin also keeps a pet centipede, which he gleefully feeds insects on a regular basis.

Really, this is the extent of the storyline we get through dialogue and some minor action. Martin doesn’t have any lines in the movie, though his mother makes the comment that he keeps talking about making a twelve-person human centipede.

The rest of the movie is a showcase of Martin kidnapping the various victims he intends to use to create his massive human centipede. We have an aggressive dude and his girl, two party girls that catch him masturbating with sandpaper…hold up.

Um…ow.

Okay, I’ve heard of lotion, socks, rubber vaginas, even an apple pie. Sandpaper? Who the hell sharpens his pencil with sandpaper?! If someone did that on a regular basis, he’d be a eunuch within a WEEK.

Image Credit: www.quickmeme.com

MOVING ALONG. Let’s see if I can stop squirming. We also get a married couple with a kid. Martin nabs them and leaves the kid in the car unhurt. He also catches his therapist and a cabbie having sex with a prostitute in the parking garage. He kills Dr. Creeper and captures the cabbie and the slut for his experiment.

Throughout the movie, we see Martin progress deeper and deeper into his obsession with the original movie as he piles his victims up in a warehouse he’s rented not far from the garage.

Once he has about fourteen people ready, he begins the process of assembling them together as a human centipede. Yup, you guessed it! He begins to attach them to each other a**-to-mouth.

Martin isn’t a trained surgeon like the doctor from the original film, so he resorts to tools like box cutters and a staple gun to make it all happen. Needless to say, the blood and gore go over the top as he opens kneecaps to cut tendons and uses staples in lieu of stitches to make the final touches.

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He loses two victims in the process, but the end result is a twelve-person human centipede. He makes Ashlynn the front and forces her to eat dog food in order to get the ol’ bowels moving. She resists, so he injects all twelve people with a hyper-powerful laxative.

So here you have twelve people sewn a**-to-mouth and given laxatives to get the digestive system a grumblin’. You are on crack if you didn’t see the result coming.

What kills me is that the movie is filmed in black-and-white, yet it appears that he left the s**t in the movie in color. Why on Earth would I want to see butt-pudding in color? He switches back to black and white during the scene, but the ocular damage has been done.

Image Credit: jezebel.com

The victims have had enough and begin to deal with the pain and break apart. Ashlynn fights back, knocking Martin over into his aquarium and dumping out the pet centipede. She takes a funnel, jams it up his a**, and feeds the centipede on into the poop shoot.

Martin goes nuts, grabs a gun and shoots each victim in the head until all the rounds are spent. He stabs the last few in the neck, then leaves.

We cut back to the parking garage where he is completely cleaned up and watching the end credits to The Human Centipede.

Wait, what the hell?

DID I JUST WATCH AN HOUR AND A HALF F**KING DREAM?!

AGAIN?!

As the camera pulls back, we hear a child crying in a car somewhere in the garage.

The End.

VERDICT: WHY?

 Though the first movie was also shocking and disturbing, it still wasn’t very good. It had a lot of technical issues such as bad acting, a weak plot, and poor writing that gave us too many scenes of inaction and exposition.

Apparently, Tom Six wasn’t real thrilled that his film wasn’t particularly liked outside of the cult following it cultivated. So what does Angry Six do? He makes a second movie that is bloodier, messier, and more vulgar than the original.

That’s right. Be a disgusting a**hole. That’ll show ‘em.

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Thing is, Six ends up suffering from George Lucas Syndrome. This is becoming a common mental illness in the film industry. It causes the victim to make every effort to COMPLETELY SCREW UP THEIR OWN MOVIE FRANCHISE. There currently is no cure.

Except selling it to Disney.

Image Credit: 9gag.com

Human Centipede 2 takes everything to the extreme and ups the vulgarity about a hundred times over. Thing is, the original wasn’t really vulgar or gory. Difference: Dr. Heiter was a trained surgeon. Apparently a lot of the critics missed that point when they complained about the lack of blood and spraying fecal matter.

The biggest issue with the second movie, actually, IS the amount of gore and vulgarity. By the time you get to the main attraction, the making of the twelve-person centipede, you’re numb to it and it ends up becoming pointless and boring.

The ending is the ultimate killer. Martin cleans up FAR too quickly from his encounter with his homemade monster and managed to take the time to watch the original movie again. This is why it seems less like a stunning ending and more like a copout of Slaughter High proportions.

The one saving grace: Laurence R. Harvey, the guy who plays Martin, is AMAZING. I’ve seen him in person, and he looks that creepy. He’s expressive, moody, and comes off as a hulking and insane man-child even though he’s a bit of a midget. He’s obese, bug-eyed, and completely opposite the ideal maniac one would expect in that he’s NOT an over-sized beast of a human being. He conveys Martin’s insanity perfectly and is, frankly, the scariest part of the movie.

Unfortunately, Harvey’s talent is wasted on a film that is actually even more irrelevant than the original. Maybe we’ll luck out and he’ll end up the maniac in a future season of The Walking Dead or something. As it stands, he’s the centerpiece in possibly the most forgettable movie in the industry.

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One comment on “The Human Centipede 2: No, I do not like chocolate pudding.

  1. Joleene Naylor
    September 19, 2015

    Ugh! The whole thing just sounds disgusting to me. These are two movies I’m happy to skip!

    Like

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This entry was posted on February 6, 2015 by in Dark, gory, mad scientist, overblown, poo and tagged , , .
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