Chopping Mall: Plot holes from hell, killer robots, and camel toe.

Um…

 Okay. So I got totally deceived by the cover of this train wreck. I mean, really. You show me a shopping bag full of body parts, and I’m supposed to get “Malfunctioning murderous robots on the loose” from that?

This is the second movie in the collection I got that also has Slaughter High and C.H.U.D. II.  Though it met my expectations in that it was a crappy movie, I feel kind of jaded on the whole robot thing.

 What was that? The original title was Killbots?

 But…they…I mean…

 Oh, hell with it.

 The movie opens with a sales rep from a big security corporation showing a presentation to the mall employees and management. He’s showing them the new security robots that they’ve purchased in action. The machines will not kill, but they will detain intruders after hours.

 I’m two minutes in and I know EXACTLY what’s going to happen.

 Yeesh.

 Cut to Suzie and Allison, who both work at the pizza shop. They, along with their friends, plan on having an after-hours party in the furniture store later on. Along for the ride at this post-work shindig are Ferdy, Linda, Leslie, Mike, Greg, and Rick.

Meanwhile, Tech Number 1 (yeah, totally don’t know/care what his name is) is in the control room with the three security bots waiting to boot up the system after the mall closes.

OF COURSE lightning strikes the control center, and the bots come to life and kill him. Yeah, totally didn’t see that one coming.

 Tech Number 2 wanders in, and the bots do him in as well. They leave and begin their patrol of the mall.

The party goes into full swing, then dies down quickly when three of the couples decide to use the three display beds in the store to have a bit of public sex. Allison and Ferdy decide to watch a movie instead.

Leslie sends Mike out to get her some cigarettes. He finds the vending machine but is killed by Security Bot 1. The machine slits his throat, though there is virtually no blood. Leslie goes out to find him and gets her head blown off Scanners style in front of the group.

 Okay, so at least the action is moving at a decent clip.

 The group is on the run, dodging the bots and moving from store to store until they get their hands on some guns. They open fire on the bots, but the bullets just bounce off.

Okay, at this point I’m ditching the gun because it’s obviously useless. But no, these geniuses use them to shoot at the robots THE ENTIRE MOVIE. It’s kind of like watching that sad redneck in the parking lot try to start his truck even though he’s put the transmission in the truck bed to haul it off and get it rebuilt.

The bots pick off the group one stupid decision at a time. The shenanigans are countless, alternating between lame writing and horrible acting to get it across to the audience that NONE of the characters in this movie have a brain.

 I’d say that there’s an app for that, but it was the 80’s.

 THAT’S RIGHT, PEOPLE! We’re back in the roarin’ 80’s! The hair is big, the boobs are a-plenty, the plot holes are bottomless, and the khaki pants are so tight the wearer needs a potato peeler to take them off.

The cameraman was obviously having fun because he found more than one opportune time to take a clear shot of Allison’s insane camel toe. I mean, really. Not that I’m complaining, but it’s so random that once you see it you can’t UNSEE it.

 For crying out loud, it looks like she’s smuggling two eggrolls in her pants.

From here on out, Allison will now be referred to as C.T. It’s her initials, though not as cool as A.J. or D.B., or even H.P., it will have to do because that is ALL you see for the rest of the film. It’s like the moment you walk into the kitchen and the plumber you hired is under the sink and in dire need of crack spackle.

Sorry, C.T., I just can’t take you seriously now.

 ANYWHO: Ferdy and C.T. manage to escape the robots and blow up one of them in the process. This makes number two, since Rick, Greg, and Ferdy seemingly destroyed one with the elevator. C.T. tells Ferdy that the one they killed with the elevator actually didn’t die, and they run to the third floor in search of the control room.

 Remember this because it’s important later.

 Long story short (too late), Rick is electrocuted and takes a Killbot down with him, and Ferdy is taken out after he fires a round into a Killbot’s visor, damaging its laser. C.T. dumps paint all over the floor and draws the Killbot into the store, then escapes when it can’t get traction on the painted floor. She tosses in a flare and watches Number 5 go up in smoke.

Ferdy, it turns out, wasn’t killed, and he and C.T. leave the mall as the sun comes up…wait, what the f**k? Where the hell is the final Killbot? There were three, right?

 (Skips back to beginning. Yup. Three.)

 HOLY SMOKING PLOT HOLE, BATMAN.

 VERDICT: EXTERMINATE.

 Frankly, the worst thing that happened to this movie was the title change. For whatever reason, the title was changed from Killbots to Chopping Mall when it got released to video. It tanked a** in the box office, and it’s not hard to see why.

The acting, first and foremost, was God-awful. It was like watching the slow kids from Kevin Costner’s School of Acting try to put on a stage performance of Transformers using sock puppets and a dust mop.

The Killbots were very generic, and the cliché of shooting lasers out of their eyes was more than a little “blah.” The special effects were nothing really to bark at either. Apparently the MPAA was on a rampage at the time and cut a lot of gore from the movie before it hit theaters.

 That’s right, kids. A movie called Chopping Mall with virtually no blood.

 The writing was the biggest pain in the a** in Chopping Mall. The plot holes in the film were bottomless pits, and the audience is expected to assume a vast amount about the characters that is never explained, such as Leslie’s relationship with her dad and the fact that Rick and Linda are supposed to be married. If it was mentioned, I missed it.

 Probably couldn’t hear the dialogue over my intelligence screaming for mercy.

 And what the hell ever happened with that third Killbot? Oh, he shows up at the end of the credits. Really? You planned a sequel? THANK GOD, ODIN, ALLAH, SNOOPY, and whoever else you might worship that your sequel never got green lighted.

I think I’d rather watch a movie about a girl who uses a tampon only to discover that it houses an alien parasite bent on taking over the human race than watch this movie again.

 Wait, what? No, there is not a movie about that. Stop drinking.

 (Looks at YouTube.)

 NNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!