Bad Movies Beware!
Let’s be honest for a minute, people.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was one of the most iconic and influential horror movies of all time. It unforgivingly raised the bar in the genre, with no gradual progression towards that kind of mayhem during that era of cinema. Instead, it slammed on the gas and blasted audiences directly in the face with visceral violence and realism.
It is also one of the most copied movies in the industry.
It’s not so much the movie storyline, but the formula, really. Bunnyman is no exception, though it does add a different element to things: he’s a chainsaw-wielding maniac in a big pink bunny costume.
I totally understand, Mr. Director/Writer/Creative Genius (snort). I get it. I mean, you have your favorite movies, and it’s nice to nod to them in your writing/filmmaking. I nod to my favorite authors, movies, and music groups all the time. It’s the finest form of flattery.
Then there’s totally ripping them off.
That makes you an a**hole.
The opening of the film has an 8mm look. A girl comes to inside a building that looks like a run down gas station or something. She flees but is chased down by a redneck in a farmer’s hat and overalls. He throws a large knife at her, which stabs her in the back and takes her down. He flips her over and rams the knife down her throat.
Okay, that was cool. That was a new one.
I’ll take it!
However, I begin to wonder what’s going on right away because there’s no Bunnyman, so I figure I’m seeing some backstory.
Okay, scene change to present day. Girl in distress comes out of hiding and ends up in the back of a large flatbed truck driven by our title character. Okay, cool. Here we go. We’ll just forget about that opening sequence. Here’s our Bunnyman.
Another scene change puts us on the road with our group of meatbags…er, characters, I mean. We’ll be with these guys for the rest of our gory, cut ‘em up fun. The DVD case also says that we’ll see some nudity, so bonus.
Little did I know (yet, I’m not surprised) that the movie would begin its downward spiral into cinematic misery from this scene on to the ending credits.
The group is on a road trip, though no one ever says the destination. It could be viewed as lazy writing, but one could also argue that not many people are overly social when they’re crammed in a hot car for hours on end in the middle of summer.
They end up pissing off Bunnyman, who uses his truck to try and run them off the road. At this point, the writer/director felt that adding in stock audio of a lion’s roar as an overlay with the truck’s engine would give the scene added effect.
The group pulls off to talk about what to do next. They decide to get out and apologize, not realizing who is driving the truck. Who do they decide to send out?
Rachel. The girl. The smallest girl on the crew.
Rachel is less than successful, and another chase ensues, which ends up stalling out the car. Jack is the first to go when he gets under the car to repair it and Bunnyman rams it from behind. The others get out of the car and run for it…
Wow, nice reaction y’all.
The group gives Jack the obligatory two minutes of freaking out and mourning, then head off to find help. They’re over it in the next scene.
Hey, gotta move on, right?
The group happens across a path lined with upside down crosses that leads into the woods. Hey, that seems like a good place to check out! Maybe Lucifer has a phone!
I have to note, in case you haven’t caught on yet, that the characters in this movie are about as bright as the cast of Jersey Shore. If it’s a bad idea, a dumb move, or a lapse of judgment, these nimrods are all about it.
After seeing bags of human bones hanging from the trees, they happen upon a house with a redneck on the front porch. They ask to use the phone and also ask if he knew that he had bags of bones hanging in the trees…
John: “I’m sure there’s an explanation.”
Okay, yeah. Lazy-assed writing.
The redneck makes sexual advances at the girls, then runs the group off with his shotgun. The scene that follows is nothing but exposition and even THAT’S poorly written. Tiffany feels the need to take a moment in the woods and summarize the events thus far, in detail.
No really. You could start the movie here and not be lost.
More talking, more walking, and we soon realize that the movie’s decent pacing has taken a complete dump all over the place and we just threw out the mop because it molded in the closet. Great idea, Carl Lindbergh (Writer/Director/Bunnyman). Things are moving at a decent clip, so let’s slow it down so you can show off the writing prowess you think you have been blessed with.
They run into a girl in a pickup truck who is trying to take her friend to the hospital. Surprise, she’s actually the bad guy. We’re supposed to know this, but the characters don’t. She’s also quite the temperamental b**ch, but she directs our crowd to an “abandoned cabin” before she leaves.
Soon Jenn hears a nonexistent cell phone and goes off to investigate. Mike goes with her, and they happen upon Bunnyman gutting a fresh corpse. Of course, they barely react because, you know, people see that kind of s**t all the time.
Bunnyman spots them and goes to work on Jenn with his chainsaw while Mike flees in terror. The kill is less than satisfactory, with Bunnyman thrusting the saw at her gut, then a shot of her face getting covered in fake blood.
Mike runs past Rachel, John, and Tiffany and into the cabin. They follow, and he tells them that there’s “something out there!”
Wait, I think I know this one: IT’S A F**KING DUDE IN A BUNNY SUIT WITH A CHAINSAW, YOU MORON.
It gets pretty cliché after that. Lots of running and screaming and just brazenly stupid decisions made by the characters to force the story along against its will. It almost seems like the characters put themselves in danger intentionally, making them easy pickings for Bunnyman.
So far I’m 53 minutes into the movie. Yes, it took almost an hour for the action to pick back up to a reasonable pace from the opening sequence. Also, the movie is supposed to be rated “R” for graphic violence and nudity. The violence has been fairly graphic even though the effects have been subpar.
Nope, the nakedness is absent this round. Bunnyman knocks out Tiffany, and he hefts her up onto a table by the pants. We see the top view of her butt crack. That’s it. That’s the big nude scene.
The other three scatter, and Bunnyman uses Tiffany to show his liking for torture and mutilation. We also meet a character who is chained up in a corner and grunts a lot because, well, that’s how he rolls. I ended up calling him Monkey Man.
He also, apparently, REALLY wanted a speaking role, so he improvises in some lines here and there during Tiffany’s torture/murder scene.
Oh God, he did it twice.
After Bunnyman catches Mike in the basement and murders him, Rachel and John return to the cabin (why in the hell…?) to find Tiffany’s remains on the grill out back. Karen, the girl from earlier, is apparently family to Bunnyman and Monkey Man.
Rachel and John get caught and escape when Karen is about to torture Rachel. Before they leave, John picks up Bunnyman’s chainsaw and murders Karen.
THEN HE THROWS IT DOWN.
Okay, hold up. You’re in a house with three deranged people who plan to kill and eat you, and you manage to land the chainsaw that they’ve been using on your friends. Would YOU throw the damned thing down?
Didn’t think so.
John and Rachel get into Karen’s red truck and drive away, but Bunnyman catches up. They fool him into thinking that Rachel is dead, but after he loads her into the cab of his truck, she springs back and stabs Bunnyman in the neck with scissors. John and Rachel take Bunnyman’s truck and drive away.
The only line in the movie worth a damn comes from Rachel.
“We’re gonna need a lot of therapy.”
VERDICT: Bunny pellets.
Where, oh where, do I begin? This movie was a travesty. It’s like Carl Lindburgh took everything a person should NOT do when writing and directing a film and applied all of it to this heaping pile of doggy doo.
The acting is wooden as hell, though it probably doesn’t help that there wasn’t much to work with where the script was concerned, but I’ll get to that next. A freaking porno doesn’t have this much wood. Only a few of the actors had solid IMDB pages with an actual profile pic, and all of them carry the action and lines with all the grace of a middle school performance of The Crucible.
The writing is the most atrocious thing about this movie. Carl Lindburgh apparently LOVES The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and he rips off the storyline hardcore with this film. He manages to put a lot of snark in the dialogue, though it falls flat with almost every line. The amount of exposition is massive, and the action progresses like a f**king sine wave throughout the entire film.
The best way I can describe it: Take Joss Whedon, slap the s**t out of him, then make him write a chainsaw slasher flick while his eyeballs are still rolling around in his head. Steer clear of this hot pile of bunny poo.
Oh, Jesus. There’s a sequel.