Fail-Flix

Bad Movies Beware!

A Bay of Blood: Water not potable

Image Credit: creativeindustriesforum.com

I got the suggestion for this movie from a video reviewer in the Netherlands I follow who goes by the screen name HorribleReviews. If you haven’t checked him out yet, by the way, give him a look. He’s been doing a list of movies lately called “The Video Nasties.” This list is a collection of movies that were charged and prosecuted for content by the UK before the MPAA stepped in to clean things up.

 Boo, MPAA.

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 A Bay of Blood is one of the films from this list, though it’s had a slew of different titles since its inception. You can find it under SEVERAL titles on IMDB, including The Last House on the Left Part 2, which is hilarious because it has NOTHING to do with the original.

I was excited to watch this movie because it’s considered the first of the Slasher Flick genre, predating even The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It couldn’t be all that bad, right?

 Wrong.

 This movie is a f**king mess.

 train_wreckThe opening titles go to a pretty snazzy drumbeat, then the camera begins to spin (as does my stomach. Ugh.). We’re introduced to Fredrica, an old widow who lives by herself at the Bay.

A man in a suit murders Fredrica. He rigs up a noose and sends her wheelchair by it, snagging her neck. The intention is, obviously, to make it look like a suicide. Fredrica dangles and gags, then goes still.

Graphic hanging in the first scene. Heh. Can’t complain about the pacing, I guess.

The killer is distracted by an unheard noise (guess the effects guys were on break or something) and is killed by an unseen murderer.

Holy s**t! TWO murders in the first scene?! Count me in!

 Image Credit: degrassi.wikia.com

Okay, maybe not. The pacing takes a nosedive for a bit, and we meet Paolo Facetti; Simon; Paolo’s wife, Anna; Renata and her husband, Albert; and Frank and Laura. Laura is Frank’s secretary, so naturally he’s hitting it like a freight train.

In case you haven’t picked up on it yet, the names are mostly Italian. The movie is actually in Italian but was dubbed over in English when it was released in the United States. The body language is a good indicator that the acting was subpar even in its native language.

Anyway, Fredirica’s inheritance is up in the air, which includes ownership of the Bay. Albert and Renata are after it as Renata is the daughter of the man who killed Fredirica. Simon is a fisherman, and Paolo is a scientist who studies the insect life around the Bay while Anna sits at home and does tarot readings all day.

Got a real group of winners, here.

Image Cresit: carbonated.tv

During the exposition, which is already needlessly long, a group of teens on a weekend getaway arrive at the Bay and start nosing around. We have Brunhilda (because God forbid it if this movie doesn’t have a Russian girl named Brunhilda), Bobby, Duke, and Denise.

They find an old abandoned nightclub, and soon they begin to wander off. Hilda goes skinny-dipping, Bobby sits alone after he tries (and fails) to nab Denise from Duke, and Duke and Denise go find a room to have sex.

Hilda is soon killed off in a scene very similar to the second Friday the 13th film, and Bobby gets a machete to the face. Duke and Denise are taken out when the killer impales them both on the bed while they’re having sex.

The second kill was used, frame for frame, in Friday the 13th Part 2, though the MPAA cut most of it because we’re so sensitive and stuff. If you want to see what the full kill looks like, hit YouTube. Or look up Bay of Blood on Netflix and skip to 37:30.

Back at the ranch, WTF? We get some exposition and then a shot of the kids with a piccolo tune in the background?

 Christ, this movie.

Image Credit: gifsec.com

Albert and Renata visit Paolo and Anna, where they find out that Fredirica had an illegitimate son named Simon, to whom the entire Bay would likely go. Renata and Albert hatch a plan to eliminate possible contenders for the Bay so that they might score the inheritance and decide to go looking for Simon.

They find him as he is pulling Renata’s father’s body out of the Bay. Renata and Albert head back to Paolo’s, and Renata finds the teen’s bodies stacked up in a bedroom. The camera does a hilarious cartoon triple-take with Renata, and Frank shows up to kill her. Renata fights him off and stabs him.

She tells Albert about Frank and sends him after Paolo. Albert eliminates Paolo, and Renata takes out Anna with the funniest decapitation scene I’ve ever seen. I actually guffawed and skipped back to watch it a second time.

Yes, a FUNNY decapitation.

Don’t judge me.

Image Credit: www.reddit.com

Albert and Renata reunite, and I notice that it’s daytime. I rewind back to another scene, and notice that it’s also night in one shot and daytime in the other. What the hell? Solar phenomena?

 Nope. Just bad editing and directing.

Laura shows up at the Bay, finds Frank, and sets out after Simon after Frank dies. Simon shows up and corners her in his shack. Turns out, he’s the overall killer. Well, I mean, he killed everyone that Renata and Albert didn’t kill.

 He killed the teens and Renata’s father.

 This is all revealed during the LONGEST FLASHBACK EVER.

He kills Laura and begins the second longest flashback ever, complete with a sad piano montage of him walking the Bay.

 Damn movie could’ve been shorter. Ugh.

Okay, f**k it. Skipping…skipping…Renata and Albert search for the will and get jumped by Frank.

Lookit me! I’m alive! And now I’m dead! And I’m alive again!

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They manage to take him down and find the will, and the scene transitions (badly) to Albert and Renata outside their RV talking. Their son calls to them, and then unloads both barrels of a shotgun at them, killing them both.

Cue goofy piccolo riff.

 Not kidding.

They kids run off to play, and I’m left laughing so hard I’m spewing tea and oatmeal out of my nose because GOD THAT WAS FUNNY!

 VERDICT: WATER CONTAMINATED.

Believe it or not, I gave you the SHORT version. There’s a LOT of backstory and intricate plot points to this movie, but none of it really goes anywhere. This corn-riddled donkey turd crapped out an entire genre that was all too eager to forget its roots, and justifiably so.

The Friday the 13th movies may have featured some subpar acting, but Bay of Blood was WAY worse. It’s bad enough that it’s English dubbed over Italian, but I have to wonder if the script was altered much from the translation.

The teens were probably the biggest mess of the movie. Brunhilda, at one point, is referred to as “the Kraut,” which was confusing because she had a very fake Russian accent, not a very fake German accent. Denise, the “French Girl,” is doing SOME kind of accent. I don’t know what it is, but it ain’t French.

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Their real purpose was fodder for the killer, but time and footage was wasted on them, frankly. The Friday the 13th films had one or two characters they would bring in for short scenes that would end in their demise, but never a large chunk of the film, and never so far away from the main action either. Brunhilda and Denise were T&A for this movie and nothing more.

As I said before, the acting is HORRENDOUS. Doing voice-over work isn’t exactly easy, but getting people who know how to do it might have helped this train wreck. Listening to the actors recite their lines is about as agonizing as sitting through an elementary school musical program, only all the kids are on Ritalin.

 Well, at least most of the kids in the Southeast.

Image Credit: lab.express-scripts.com

 Do yourself the favor of staying out of the water. This movie isn’t a throwback to the glory days of slasher cinema; it’s a load of elephant snot sprayed over an innocent audience of moviegoers who just want to see what the Video Nasties are all about.

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This entry was posted on April 12, 2015 by in asstard, Cheesy Slasher Flix, Classic Fails, gory, stupidity and tagged , , .
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