Bad Movies Beware!
What the holy hell?
I’ve seen some crap in my day, and more often than not since I started Fail-Flix. Hell, I’ve even seen bad clown movies, if you’ll recall Secrets of the Clown. And I think all of us here have seen Killer Klowns from Outer Space at least once.
Admit it. You saw it. We’re all friends here.
This putrid pile of McFecal Matter takes the cake on bad clown movies thus far.
Pennywise the Dancing Clown? Scary as hell.
Clown dolls in any movie that has to do with the supernatural? Scary.
Ronald McDonald? Well, the food he serves is a little terrifying.
Killjoy is just f**king stupid.
Even the opening credits are off-putting. One of my biggest pet peeves is lack of effort, and it really shines through in the title sequence. It’s as if Craig Ross, Jr. just decided, “Hey! Let’s see how many different ways we can animate the title of the movie while we play bad music!”
The movie opens with Monique and Jada hanging out by the fence in Whereverthehell, USA, and having a meandering and pointless conversation when Michael, the class nerd, shows up. He asks Jada to the homecoming dance, but she turns him down.
As it turns out, Jada is in a relationship with Lorenzo, a local gangster who also serves little to no purpose in the film. He shows up, along with his thugs Baby Boy (token white guy), and T-Bone (like the steak, I guess?). They put Jada and Monique in the car and beat the crap out of Michael.
In the next scene, Michael is in his room with a clown doll and is summoning Killjoy to come to life and take revenge for him. Baby Boy shows up and lures Michael outside with one of the lamest lines I’ve heard since Sense and Sensibility.
“C’mon, man! I just wanna be your friend, man!”
Michael agrees, and Lorenzo and his boys haul him off to the woods. The kick the s**t out of him, then Lorenzo pulls a gun on him to scare him. T-Bone and Baby Boy beg Lorenzo to back down, but he assures them that it’s just a scare tactic and the gun is unloaded.
Michael dies from the gut shot, and Lorenzo and crew leave him.
A year later, Jada has a new boyfriend and has kicked Lorenzo to the curb. Lorenzo has also moved on, and we get a large amount of exposition on both ends. Jada is still bothered by Michael’s death.
This sequence is nauseatingly too long. Jada has her new man over to “study,” and the dialogue is cliché and done to death. Remember those videos they showed during sex ed in high school? The ones where the boy would come over to “study,” but really he just wanted to insert peg A into slot B?
Yeah, it’s that bad.
Still waiting for the psychotic clown to start murdering people.
After the exposition, the scene shifts. Lorenzo is now hanging out with Baby Boy and T-Bone and smoking up. He leaves to go screw his new girlfriend, and the two knuckleheads go outside when they hear an ice cream truck. The clown driving it, obviously, is Killjoy.
I was expecting, at best, a direct rip-off of Pennywise the Dancing Clown. I could’ve lived with that. I’d have been fine. But NOOOO. What do we get, instead?!
Guy looks like a cotton candy-wielding pervert in whore makeup.
As it turns out, the truck is a portal that transports them to Killjoy’s warehouse and makes them land on the floor in a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers pose. Baby Boy and T-Bone get separated, and Killjoy runs Baby Boy over with the truck. T-Bone smokes a random joint he finds (I guess because he didn’t find the glory hole, first?) and ends up burning to ash.
Lorenzo sets off another round of exposition, giving his new girl a lecture on what it’s like to live the Thug Life. As if we cared. No, really. It’s so obvious that he’s about to bite it, it’s painful. Sure enough, he ends up being transported to the warehouse (yes, he lands in the Power Rangers pose) and finds Killjoy.
Now, ‘splain me somethin’, Lucy. Lorenzo’s gun of choice is a revolver. Okay. Fine. A typical revolver fires six rounds. I’m all about suspending my disbelief, but please explain to me how, in the name of Zeus’s butthole, he manages to fire twenty-two rounds into Killjoy without reloading?
Killjoy returns the bullets to Lorenzo with interest. He spits them out as if his face was an AK-47, riddling Lorenzo with flashes of red lights like a Christmas tree while Lorenzo flails around as if he’s being shot.
Looks like they hired the special effects guy from 1313 Cougar Cult.
Maybe next time, Tom Savini.
What’s even worse, you actually see the splice where the scene was edited and cut before print. We have computers, people. What the hell? Where was this movie edited? The Wal-Mart photo lab?
Back at the ranch, Monique gets a visit from a homeless man who watched Michael get beaten in the opening scene. She pages Jada (it came out in 2000, so hey), and Jada and the dude come running. As it turns out, Homeless Harry is a prophet who knows exactly what is going on.
He explains to them that Michael summoned Killjoy and basically summarizes the movie thus far. This is the second indie film I’ve watched that does this. I promise, the general movie-watcher is not so stupid that you need to review the plot with them halfway through the film, indie-people. Please stop doing it.
And I mean it’s the ULTIMATE recap. We end up seeing flashes of scenes that we saw not ten minutes ago. What the utter f**k.
After the recap from hell ends, the homeless guy vanishes. What’s even more interesting is that they don’t react to this at all. I mean, why would they? Homeless people disappear all the time, right?
Dude decides that they need to stay together, no matter what. The trio finds Killjoy’s truck and transport to the warehouse (Power Ranger poses still going strong here). Jamal (we finally get his name!) decides they should split up.
MAKE UP YOUR MIND, JAMAL!
After the most irrelevant game of cat and mouse ever, Killjoy tracks down Jada and gets her to kiss him. He turns into Michael and we’re treated to an info dump of diuretic proportions. Jada agrees to be his girl, then kills him.
A chase scene ensues when our stooges…I mean “heroes” try to leave, and they hit the ice cream truck only to be transported to Michael’s room where the Killjoy doll is laying in the floor. Jada stabs the doll, and it turns into Michael.
The end? Not so lucky, people. We end up at the club with the group only to run into Killjoy again. Fortunately, it was a dream. Jada wakes from the nightmare and Jamal decides he’s horny.
And that he’s Killjoy.
Yes, there are sequels.
VERDICT: Kick the clown in the junk.
Of all the donkey turds I’ve watched this year, this one is, by far, the donkey turdiest. (Is “turdiest” even a word? It is now!) Not that I don’t love indie film, I actually do.
It’s that bad ones that really make me shake my head.
The acting, for starters, is laughably bad. From the cliché stereotypical dialogue to the physical action and everything in between, this movie could’ve been done with Legos and stop-motion animation, and it would’ve probably fit better.
Killjoy is absolutely retarded looking. The makeup, the wig, the outfit, everything about this character looks like Tammy Faye Bakker after someone slapped the s**t out of her. He even talks like Mike Tyson on PCP.
The plotline is a bully-and-revenge story, which we’ve seen before…in the eighties. The problem isn’t that it’s been done before. The problem is that the movie doesn’t do anything new with it. Faith Hunter once said that “good vs. evil” stories are everywhere. What’s important is how you tell the story.
Well, one good way is NOT to raid the makeup and birthday party sections at Wal-Mart and Dollar General to create a clown that makes Rue Paul look like a normal human being.
Avoid this travesty of a movie. And don’t call up a clown for your kid’s birthday party. Chances are his ice cream truck is really a portal to a warehouse full of broken toys, bad acting, and clichés that rain down like s**t-soaked confetti at a birthday party at a waste-water treatment plant.