Bad Movies Beware!
I have officially seen it all.
I got a Facebook message from Bill Mulligan of Adrenalin Productions the week of ConCarolinas to brainstorm up some movies for our “A to Z Weird Movies” and “What Movie Should’ve Been on MST3K” panels, and we ended up in a bad movie one-up contest with John Dondero of 13th Floor EFX.
Yeah, John wins with this classic gem.
This rank monkey turd can’t be found on Netflix OR Amazon Instant Video. Thankfully, I was able to get the entire film onYouTube.
Well, maybe I shouldn’t be thankful.
The movie opens with a blank screen and the sound of chewing. Not even subtle chewing, but the sound you hear when you sit in front of a complete social misfit in the movie theater and said misfit has decided to sneak in corn chips.
The screen fades into a room containing a large bed, and a narrator takes over. Yes, a narrator. Because, once again, I’m so stupid I can’t see what’s going on just by watching the movie. He tells us that he’s trapped behind a painting in the room and forced to watch the bed consume its victims on a daily basis.
Scene change to a couple walking through a field. They find a large abandoned house that is completely locked up. They wander out and find a large brick crypt in the back of the house and make their way in to have a picnic. They find the bed and start fooling around.
The bed starts foaming and eats their bucket of fried chicken and apples while the couple is distracted. Soon the bed foams around them, and the chewing sound returns as they are consumed.
The title of the next scene: Breakfast.
Diane, Susan, and some chick that we’re just going to call M.G. for Mystery Girl. (Yes, I know her name, but we don’t get it until damn-near the end of the movie. Suffer with me, people.) are on their way to a weekend at an old abandoned house that Diane heard about from a complete stranger (seems legit).
Susan is the shy one and was only invited by Diane for laughs…wait, what the hell? Is Diane talking?
Nope. She’s narrating.
Get used to it, ladies and gents: almost everyone in the movie narrates. I’m guessing this was a decision by the director to get the audience into the characters’ heads, kind of a “Literature in Motion” thing.
Yeah, it doesn’t work.
Meanwhile, M.G.’s mother sends her brother to find her. Turns out she’s “run off” again, which is strange since Diane just narrated that they were coworkers going off for a weekend.
Whatever. I learned a while back that trying to apply logic to these movies is about like trying to view Ren and Stimpy as intellectually stimulating television.
Cut back to the girls as they find the crypt where the bed lives. Our original narrator returns and continues to be obnoxious while the girls explore. The bed suddenly begins bleed internally and groan in pain when M.G. sits down on it.
Susan decides to lay down, and M.G. and Diane leave her to go outside and wander. The bed eats some Pepto Bismol (not kidding) and starts to work on Susan after she lays down. It strips her nude while she sleeps (bonus), then consumes her and transports her bones outside.
Title Card for the next scene: Lunch
Another cut to the brother, and then back to M.G. and Diane, who can’t find Susan. M.G. goes out to look. Diane decides to take a nap, and the bed plagues her with nightmares of Susan while the narrator behind the painting gives us a fifteen minute info dump on the history of the bed.
The bed starts to eat Diane, but she fights back and is able to get off the bed after it chews on her legs a little. Diane almost manages a lengthy and drawn out escape, but the bed pulls her back just as M.G. shows up. She tries to save Diane, but it’s too late.
The brother arrives and calls out for…Darren? Daryl? Wtf, the audio. Hang on. (Turns up volume to maximum and braces for impact.)
Sharon! We are now over an hour into the movie and WE FINALLY GET HER NAME!
Sharon has been driven crazy after being trapped in the crypt with the bed for five minutes. Her brother, with no explanation because the writer forgot to write more than two lines for Sharon, realizes that the bed needs to die and tries to stab it to death.
The bed reacts and eats the flesh off his hands. He sits down with Diane and contemplates his hands as the bones begin to fall off. He has Sharon break his hands off the rest of the way.
Question: HOW IS HE NOT TRIPPING OUT? Hell, I’d trip out. With that kind of trauma most people would either pass out or need to be sedated. This dude is cool and calm because, hey, who hasn’t had every bit of the meat melted off their hands before.
The final scene begins with a groan-worthy title: The Just Dessert.
The narrator calls Sharon over and tells her to take her brother and leave while the bed is asleep. She helps bro out of the crypt, then returns and listens as the narrator tells her how to kill the bed.
During the insanely long info dump from earlier, we learned that the bed was a demon that had fallen in love with a girl. Her death caused him to curse a bed with eternal hunger. The narrator has Sharon draw a circle outside the crypt, and then the same circle around the bed. The bed is transported outside, taking Sharon’s life in the process.
Ol’ girl rises from her grave and enters the circle where Sharon’s brother happens to be. She lays down with him to have sex, and the bed begins to burn. Yes. In order to kill the bed, it has to watch its girlfriend do another man. The flames consume the girl and Sharon’s brother, the narrator is freed from his prison, and the credits roll as the bed burns to the ground.
The end. Christ.
VERDICT: WOSRT CASE OF BEDBUGS. EVER.
George Barry filmed this turd back in 1977, then tossed the film into the attic and forgot about it. The actors, the crew, everyone pretty much walked away from the project knowing that they had just committed an act of horror against the world of cinema. He essentially forgot that he’d ever made it until he found out that a bootleg version had been circulating for years. He finally released it to DVD in 2003.
Some things should just stay forgotten, George.
Of course, I like to start with the acting, which is horrendous. The characters show little to no emotion whatsoever. They might as well have used mannequins. No, really. It’s bad enough that I have to listen to multiple narrators, but all of them in complete monotone?!
The dialogue is largely in narrative form, with the on-screen characters saying very little to move the plot along. Sharon has all of two lines in the entire film, and she’s supposed to last to the end. It also doesn’t help that the dialogue is almost too simple. More often than not, the characters are describing what we’re seeing right on the screen. You could pretty much turn your back on the movie and keep up just fine with only the audio.
Oh, s**t, the audio.
The audio sounds like it was recorded inside a closed aquarium. The dialogue is not much more than a murmur in some areas and overly loud in others. The sound effects are stock cliché, and the director thought that, for some reason, EVERYTHING needed a sound effect.
Particularly the chewing. Yeah, that gets old.
To sum it all up: this movie is a F**king mess of a film that was almost literally thrown away by the director and resurrected via bootleg and an underground following that may not have a whole lot better to do with their time. If you want to get a taste of 70’s independent film, give it a look. If you’re not into wishing someone would just put you out of your misery, walk away from this unmade s**tfest.
And would someone please change the sheets?! Ew.