Bad Movies Beware!
Ever wondered what roadkill tastes like?
Yeah, me either.
So why in the f**k would ANYONE in their right mind watch this movie?! Well, a couple of reasons, really. It’s mostly targeted at people who love zombie and monster flicks, and are fans of the Sharknado franchise.
Okay, yeah, they had me in the bull’s eye, there.
To help me further study this demonic turd from hell, I enlisted the help of a friend and fellow connoisseur of all that is crappy cinema. Meet Darklight, ladies and gents!
Fail-Flix: So I usually go through a synopsis of these flicks before I give a final verdict. You cool with that?
Darklight: Yeah, I’m down.
Fail-Flix: Okay, peeps. Let’s get rolling!
The synopsis is going to be brief because I actually want you to watch it for yourself. Note: this was NOT a good movie. If you’re expecting Sharnkado, then you need to watch Sharknado.
Darklight: Yeah, it’s basically a parody of every teenage slasher flick ever, only with bad zombie beaver puppets and one nice pair of breasts…Oh wait, sorry, I forgot this is Fail-Flix for a second.
Fail-Flix: Nah, you’re good. Here, we refer to them as boobies.
Anywho, the Jenn and her friends go to a weekend getaway in order to help Jenn forget about her cheating ex-boyfriend. Unbeknownst to them, two knuckleheaded truck drivers have accidentally dumped a barrel of toxic waste into the lake and turned the local beaver population into blood-thirsty zombies.
Let the beaver jokes begin.
Fail-Flix: Jenn and her friends are almost immediately besieged by zombie beavers, but not before we get to see Courtney Palms run around topless for a good ten minutes of the movie.
Name sound familiar? Yup. She was the girl in Silent Night who looked like Danielle Harris. Turns out she’s got a few flicks under her belt.
No, none of them are particularly good. Then again, “good” can be relative.
In truth, I’m really hesitant to spoil the movie for you because I know a lot of you were waiting to see it after I did the review. Fortunately, your wait worked out because it’s on Netflix, so you don’t have to go drop money on it.
VERDICT: I don’t know what to do with my hands…
Darklight: Zombeavers was the most fetid pile of trash I have ever laid eyes upon, and I sat through Jane Austin’s Mafia! Jay Mohr should have his-
Fail-Flix: Hey! Spoiler!
Darklight: Oh yeah, I forgot.
Fail-Flix: Yeah, I have to agree: the movie was putrid. Bad acting, bad writing, the usual stuff. But, what hit me the hardest was the actual Beaver effects.
Darklight: Oh yeah, they were ultra-s**tty. It was like they didn’t even try.
Fail-Flix: No joke. I mean, I get the whole “Bad effects on purpose” premise, but there’s a difference between “bad” and “s**tty. At least bad effects have an endearing quality. Just look at Sharknado, for instance.
Darklight: Do I have to?
Fail-Flix: Not the first one, but yeah. You need to watch part 2. Anyway, there were just too many instances where you could tell that the creature effects weren’t much more than a beaver puppet with a dude’s hand up it’s a**.
Another thing that really bugged me was…crap. If I tell that, I’ll spoil it.
Darklight: Admit it: you liked Zombeavers.
Fail-Flix: Crap. I did, actually. Damn crap.
Darklight: Gotta be honest, dude: I actually liked it. Yes, it was terrible. Yes, it played on EVERY SINGLE TROPE a horror film can have: bad dialogue, unnecessary sex scenes, death during said unnecessary sex scenes-
Fail-Flix: And boobies galore.
Darklight: It had some innovative kills, though.
Fail-Flix: Hell yes, it did. It was almost refreshing, really. How many zombie-based kills have we seen? Some of the kills in the movie are just hilarious, really.
Yes, funny kills. Don’t judge me.
Darklight: Another good point to look at is that it zigs several times when it should’ve zagged.
Fail-Flix: So does a micro-mini-mutt with the squirts. Difference: One is kinda cute and requires the occasional feeding.
But, on the flip side, there’s a way to break rules. That’s one big area this movie falls short with me. It breaks the rules and leaves you screaming for a point or reason for the action you just saw on the screen.
They try to go for the whole Joss Whedon philosophy on characters: any character can die and any time. No one is safe. But, he never killed off major characters that progressed the story.
Darklight: Yeah, true. He didn’t kill Mal off in Firefly because that would’ve essentially ended the show way before the end of the first season. There wouldn’t have been a Serenity, either.
Fail-Flix: Exactly my point: You can kill off whoever you want, but you have to be smart about it. You can’t just kill certain characters off like their the extra guy they always brought along to die in Star Trek.
Darklight: Like a Zombeaver bite, it eventually grows on you.
Fail-Flix: Yeah, I can officially say that you guys will probably dig this movie more in afterthought than you will when you watch the end credits roll.
Darklight: Seriously, how the hell do you do this? These movies…oh, sweet merciful CRAP.
Fail-Flix: Medication helps. I wanna thank Darklight for joining me for Zombeavers! It was fun, dude!
Darklight: Likewise, man!
Fail-Flix: Seriously guys, check out Zombeavers. It’s ignorant, stupid, poorly written and produced, but it has potential to be an underground favorite.
Until next time!!