Bad Movies Beware!
This is another one recommended to me by John Dondero back when I was at ConCarolinas 2015. He was also the one who cursed me with Death Bed: The Bed that Eats, so I wasn’t all that optimistic about Blood Beach.
Yeah, it was a good call: Blood Beach was friggin’ rancid.
The movie opens with a montage of the beach and an old, run-down beachfront property that looks like it was probably built in the twenties. The music is cheesy and simple, which is par for the course with most older B-movies. While not as catchy as Eegah!, the music still has its charm.
Meet Harry, who works for the Coast Guard. He swims to work every day from his beachfront apartment (must be nice) and runs into his neighbor, Ruth, along the way. They chat briefly, then Harry hits the waves. Ruth is suddenly grabbed by something under the sand and pulled under.
Harry ends up talking to the cops, but all he can tell them is that he heard Ruth screaming and didn’t actually see anything. The dialogue is a little rough, but not awful. You have Sgt. Royko from Chicago and Lt. Piantadosi, Royko’s partner. Royko is CONSTANTLY talking about Chicago, but the other characters manage to call him on it, so it’s not terrible.
Enter Kat, Ruth’s daughter and Harry’s old flame from the past. She’s in town to help find her mother, and she and Harry begin to slowly and awkwardly rekindle the old flame.
Cue the homeless person who knows exactly what’s going on!
Nah, not that guy. This movie’s not that cool.
Mrs. Seldon warns Kat that Ruth is dead and that she could be next if she goes out onto the sand.
That night Ruth’s dog wanders out to the beach and finds the spot where Ruth went under. Kat chases after him and finds that his head has been eaten off.
Harry consoles Kat while the cops hit up a veterinarian who may know what’s going on. They write him off as an idiot and move on. Meanwhile, during a crowded day at the beach, a group of friends is burying their friend in the sand. She begins to scream and writhe, and they pull her out to find that her legs have been chewed up.
Well, covered in fake blood at least.
The next scene is headed up by none other than John Saxon, who plays the Chief of Police. He berates Royko and Piantadosi for finding nothing and threatens to send Royko back to Chicago.
The police commission a backhoe to dig up the beach but find nothing. Meanwhile, a girl wanders onto the beach to see why the seagulls are in distress and is jumped by a rapist. She is “saved” when the rapist is caught in the sand, and whatever is causing the murders eats his penis.
Guess it was in the mood for hotdogs.
Okay, yeah, that one was bad.
At this point, I dozed off and had to rewind the movie (read: hit the back button. I actually kind of miss VHS). Jesus, what a slow burn.
During the investigation, John Saxon manages to drop the movie tagline: “Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…you can’t get to it!” This is actually a nod to Jaws, though I’m sure Spielberg avoided acknowledging this like the plague.
The veterinarian expert talks about the creature under the sand, but the chief blows him off again. On the other side of town, Kat asks Harry to dinner.
Harry’s live-in girlfriend chases her hat onto the beach and gets eaten, freeing him up to pursue Kat. See how that works out?
Kat and Harry make googley eyes over dinner, and Harry sees ol’ girl’s car outside and wonders what’s happened. He figures it out when he sees her hat on the beach.
Dear God, the music.
Kat and Harry determine that something underground is what’s causing the problem and go investigating.
The picture quality underneath the pier and inside the monster’s lair is so bad that you can’t see what’s going on at all. You basically miss everything that’s going on down there. I ended up using Google to find out that it’s just an old mine shaft and that the walls move and breathe once Harry leaves.
A man using a metal detector on the beach is eaten, and Kat and Harry hook up. Mrs. Hench, the metal detector guy’s wife, files a missing person report with Royko. Now we get more expo because, apparently, the director figured we needed to sit through the ENTIRE description of Mr. Hench even though we just saw him not two minutes ago.
At this juncture, John Saxon decides it’s time to recap the ENTIRE movie thus far just in case the audience dozed off like I did and needs a refresher. It’s over an hour into the movie, and it f**king DRAAAAAAGS! WTF do I care ab-
There we go, @ 1:05:00.
Mr. Hench, the metal detector dude, crawls out of the sand a mangled mess.
Harry and the cops decide to close the beach until it all blows over. Hoagy, Harry’s buddy, finds Mrs. Seldon and tries to convince her to leave the old building on the beach. She refuses to step out on the sand, and Hoagy is eaten when he leaves his golf cart to go get her.
Yeah, it’s a wee bit repetitive.
Harry goes to see Piantadosi for a heart-to-heart (aw) and tells him about the mineshaft. Meanwhile, Kat wanders in and finds bodies everywhere. Piantadosi and Harry go in to rescue her. More bad image quality and just bad audio.
Piantodosi, Royko, and John Saxon decide to wire the creature’s lair with cameras and explosives. We are treated to a montage of setup and the creature reveal for the rest of the film. YES! We finally get to see the monster! It’s a worm…!
Really? That’s it?
It looks like a giant pecker with the head open like a flower with teeth.
They hit the detonate button and blow the mineshaft and creature to hell. Credits. At this point, ya’ll are used to me calling in the Verdict, but not yet! The end credits is a montage of holes opening all over the beach where the monster has spawned from the pieces and become several monsters. Part 2?
No, thank God.
VERDICT: Sunburn in uncomfortable places.
This isn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but it’s pretty damn bad. Then again, that’s kind of like saying, “This isn’t the worst liver and garlic dish I’ve ever had, but it’s up there with fried farts and garlic.”
The acting actually isn’t as bad as you would think. In fact, I would say that it’s not bad at all, considering what they were working with. The subpar writing has a lot of areas where someone should’ve said, “Dude, what the hell,” but I can’t complain too much about the dialogue and delivery.
The pacing, on the other hand, is about as fast as trying to get a customer service rep at Microsoft. The exposition is nightmarishly excessive and could’ve easily trimmed the movie down to about an hour if it were removed. It covers everything you already see or understand anyway and makes the movie tedious as hell.
The video quality is actually the worst part of this movie. Yeah, I understand we live in the world of HD now, but I’ve seen plenty of older indie flicks that have way better video quality than this. I looked everywhere for a better copy, but it turns out that the original print was just bad, so finding a clean version of the movie is about like trying to fry bacon in an Easy-Bake oven.
What makes the movie unwatchable is the slow burn and the exposition. Some movies should be slow burns, like a good haunted house movie, but monster flicks are usually fast-paced.
The creature effects, while not Thankskilling caliber, are bad enough to seal the deal on this being a s**tfest. The worm was just lazy, and the build to it seemed almost rushed. Really, the whole monster thing should’ve been introduced a little earlier in the film. Instead, they chopped up a dildo and used it as the centerpiece.
That’d make a hell of thanksgiving with the family.
See it if you’re curious, but make sure you’ve got someone with you to keep you awake. Otherwise, spend your time on something more interesting, like picking the lint out of your naval or something.