Bad Movies Beware!
What better studio to kick off the month with than Troma?
Troma Studios is famous (read: guilty) for gems such as The Toxic Avenger and Sgt. Kabukiman. Let’s also not forget Poultrygeist or Cannibal! The Musical.
Actually, let’s please forget about Cannibal! The Musical.
By now there’s a formula to these movies, and we all look for three things when watching a Troma Film: bad production value, gratuitous boobies, and enough campy violence to make Jason Voorhees blush through his mask. Needless to say, I walked into A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell fully expecting a traditional Troma Film.
What I got was NOT a traditional Troma Film.
The unfortunate thing about it is that it builds itself up like one during the opening sequence! The lead character, Lea, is a child being raised during the end of the world. Well, at least the end of Tromaville. They never really clarify whether or not the whole ordeal went beyond the borders of everyone’s favorite Troma location.
Lea narrates as we watch a montage of scenes showing random stock footage combat scenes and, eventually, what passes for dinosaurs in this miserable turd. As it turns out, the animals all evolve into these giant monsters that everyone refers to as dinosaurs. Really, unless archeologists managed to dig up a Tromasaurus somewhere and just kept it quiet, the monsters in the film don’t even resemble dinosaurs.
Lea also says that she sometimes gets all hot and bothered and can’t help but to bone whatever might be near her that might fit. Okay, cool. So we’re guaranteed boobies and gore so far. The dinos look like finger puppets after an anal exam, and the acting is a joke, so we’ve also got the bad production quality. Throw in the 8-bit NES soundtrack, and we have a true Troma film!
Don’t get too excited, we got a ways to go.
The film opens with a male barbarian hunting a dog for his lunch. A gigantic worm that looks like a pecker with teeth attacks and eats him. Random transition to the river where Lea is bathing. No nudity, but it’s early on in this one hour twenty-minute Cleveland Steamer. Three male barbarians show up, chase her down, and try to rape her.
Before we can see boobies, Marn, a handsome young barbarian with a heart of gold (Christ…), shows up and saves Lea. They head out on a montage of…wait. (Backtracks).
They used this scene in the opening credits.
Anywho, Lea and Marn journey through a needless montage where we’re supposed to understand that they fall madly in love. On the other side of the bluff, an old man happens upon Clon, a warlord with armor made from rubber skulls. With Clon is a group of dino-humans who make the worst sounds of any monster in the movie.
Just go with it. It’s Troma. No choice here.
Let me interject here real quick by mentioning that the dialogue is all but nonexistent up to this point. Lea narrated the intro, but that’s all we’ve got to go on at the moment.
Back into the action. I guess.
They kill and eat the old man, and Clon spies Lea and Marn frolicking on the bluff. He sends the dino mutants after them, and they knock Marn out in the struggle and take Lea prisoner.
An old man comes along quoting The Jabberwocky, which actually kind of impressed me. Even though I’m sure that I wasn’t supposed to pick up on that. Sorry, Troma. Actually have a college education here.
The old guy nurses Marn back to health and sends him on his way with a gun. Meanwhile, Clon and his mutants happen across a dino fight that was also recycled for the intro, and Lea escapes while they watch the battle. Lea makes a full escape, and Clon kills one of the mutants.
A masked troll rescues Lea and takes her to his camp. He tells her…I can’t. I can’t do this. It’s too much.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are approximately 46 minutes into a Troma film. There have been NO boobies, NO gratuitous kill scenes, and Lea has not once indicated that she would f**k a tree stump if no one was around. So we have a movie called A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell with no nymphoid and no dinosaurs. We have the hell, all right. Well, at least I do.
Clon and his minions ambush the troll and Lea. The troll kills the minions, but Clon kills the troll and takes Lea back to his fortress. The worm shows up and attacks, and Lea escapes while the worm eats Clon’s hand.
In another scene, something resembling the Swamp Thing attacks Marn. He uses the gun and blows a ridiculous hole in the monster, so we finally get some gore! Yeah, you read it right. Lots of dino attacks, no blood and gore. Really.
Clon manages to capture Lea and take her back to his fortress where he attempts to rape her. We finally get our elusive booby shot, but Lea manages to escape and her bra mysteriously reattaches itself. The dino minions recapture her and try to feed her to the monster in the dungeon when Marn shows up and saves her. They chase Clon out onto the cliffs and Lea pushes him over into the raging river. Monsters in the river eat Clon, and we get a shot of Marn and Lea milliseconds before the credits roll.
The End. Just like that. As SOON as Clon gets eaten, we get credits.
VERDICT: Shame on you, Troma.
I don’t know what the hell they were thinking at Troma the day they conceived this sad piece of gorilla dookie, but it sure as hell wasn’t about how to make this a proper Troma film.
It’s almost as if Troma decided to make a serious film but knew that their name was associated with the beloved Crappy Movie genre. So what do they do? They sell it with the title A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell and make it out to be a movie about a cave-slut running from man-eating lizards while trying to eat as many man-lizards as possible.
Then the real movie opens, and it has NOTHING to do with the title or the intro.
Another thing that Troma is notable for is the bad acting. It’s as if they keep William Shatner on the payroll as an acting coach for every film. This movie managed to screw up even that. The characters either aren’t overacted enough, or completely wooden and monotone. For f**k’s sake, why not just have your scripts on camera? Why not complete the image of an actor that sucks so bad they don’t even meet Troma standards?!
That’s what I’m getting at here, people: STANDARDS.
The lack of nudity and gore in this movie was disappointing. Not because I’m a pervert who might as well just save time and watch porn, but because it’s expected in a Troma film just like we expect to see a flock of white doves released during a key action sequence in a John Woo film. It’s f**king law, people! These things are just supposed to happen.
The only thing that met Troma standards was the production value. The stop motion was horrible, and the fight sequences were too staged and awkward.
On the whole, Troma tried to do something but ended up falling flat. They could’ve gone the direction the intro lied about and made a true Troma film that I would’ve loved to hate, but I got this hot garbage instead. The only thing that really met Troma standards was the production value. If you want to see a real Trom film, hit up the movies I mentioned earlier, or check out the catalog on Troma‘s website.
Just be sure to stay far away from this Bronto-turd.