Bad Movies Beware!
Back into the timeless holiday classics that have lasted generations! Back into the films that defined not only the holiday season but the industry as a whole with their rich storytelling and breathtakingly personal cinematic style!
Just kidding. How long have you known me?
I found Elves on YouTube after scouring the internet for something that could be considered slightly worse than Troll 2. This movie popped up almost immediately in the listings. Even the cover said, Troll 2: The Christmas Edition.
No, that doesn’t really exist.
The rip was straight from VHS, so the video quality was horrible. But, I was able to see clearly enough to see what was going on. Just don’t expect to find this gem on Blu-ray anytime soon. Likely, it’ll continue to be YouTube fodder until they pull the site down.
The film opens with a typical Christmas montage of the camera floating over a decorated living room and ends with a Christmas bulb crashing to the floor as the title appears. Switch to Kirsten, Brooke, and Amy making their way through the woods to a clearing. They begin speaking, which was my first indicator that this movie was the second coming of Troll 2.
It’s got the same line-delivery style.
You know, the Pidgin-English style that made Troll 2 so famous? Contractions? Nah. Who needs ‘em, right? Overrated anyway.
The girls square off in a round of “Whose Acting is Worse,” then start a ritual to make a bond against Christmas. Things go wrong, there’s an instance of hard-to-see clumsiness, and the candleholder they’re using breaks and cuts Kirsten’s hand. They leave, and a demonic hand reaches out of the ground.
Cut to Kirsten’s place. Grandpa confronts her and slaps her twice like she owes him money and yells at her for going into the woods. Mom is also less than impressed and tells Kirsten that she plans to drain Kirsten’s bank account by way of punishment.
We also meet Willy, Kirsten’s typically pervy little brother who has a fascination with his sister’s boobs. This kid curses more than I do. I mean, really. He drops more F-bombs than a construction worker, and he’s like ten.
That evening, our titular character (title of the movie is Elves. There’s only one elf. Ugh) pays Willy a visit and attacks him in bed. Willy fights him off just as Kirsten bursts into the room and turns the light on.
Mom also shows up and blames the cat. Kirsten takes the kitty away, and Mom leaves the room after telling Willy to suck it up.
Yeah, real sweet lady.
This is the same woman who, while Kirsten is at work the next day, decides to drown Kirsten’s cat in the toilet and bury him in the garden. Meanwhile, Kirsten and her friends decide to go goof on the mall Santa. Santa turns out to be a pervert and Kirsten slaps him.
Meanwhile, enter McGavin. He’s a washed out, alcoholic former detective looking for a job. Oh, and he’s played by Dan Haggerty.
Yup. Grizzly Adams.
Later on, Santa goes to the break room to snort some coke. The elf is waiting on in, and stabs him to death with a steak knife.
Finally! A body count!
The cops investigate, Kirsten’s boss threatens to fire her, and the mall goes back to normal. Whoo-hoo.
Kirsten goes home and can’t find the cat. She goes to—OH MY GOD THIS MOVIE DRAAAAAAAGS. Christ, how long have I been watching this piece of s**t?!
(Looks at phone)
Twenty minutes?! Ugh.
To sum up, Kirsten starts seeing the elf around and fears that she’s losing her mind, though Grandpa seems to know exactly what’s going on. Kirsten and her friends get themselves locked in after hours at the store so they can meet up with their boyfriends for sex.
Meanwhile, Grandpa is confronted by Nazi spies. As it turns out, Gramps was a Nazi scientist working on ways to build a mutant army of demons for Hitler (because people frowned on using crazed Milli Vanilli fans, I guess).
Kirsten, apparently, is of great interest to them. They track her down, kill the boyfriends, and get ambushed by the elf. Kirsten and McGavin, who lives in the store as the current replacement Santa, escape. McGavin takes Kirsten home and sets off to try and figure out where the elf came from.
His search leads him to a Dr. O’Conner, who is in the middle of Christmas dinner. He’s pissed about McGavin interrupting, but takes no issue with discussing Nazi-Elf sperm and deflowering virgins in front of his kindergarten-aged daughters.
At the house, Mom reveals that Gramps is also Kirsten’s father. Gramps reveals that he needed a virgin to deflower in order for the creature to be summoned and formed, and he happened to have his daughter handy. Kirsten was born of the union and has to mate with the elf in order to give birth to the Antichrist.
Guess we just need to keep it all in the family, eh?
McGavin shows up and tackles Gramps as he tries to go after Kirsten. Kirsten grabs Willy and they run for it as a Nazi shows up and shoots Gramps and McGavin. Gramps manages to tell Kirsten how to kill the elf before he dies.
During all of this, we get to see Mom naked and taking a bath. The elf shows up and, not to be outdone by a naked woman, shoves a radio into the tub and electrocutes her.
Kirsten and Willy make it to the woods where Kirsten accidentally summoned the elf in the first place, but the elf finds them and approaches. Kirsten goes to grab the stone she needs to kill the elf but realizes that she left it at the house. Willy runs back to get it while the elf gets his groove on.
Because, you know, Midget Sex.
Willy returns with the stone, Kirsten stabs the ground where the elf came from, and the elf disintegrates and dies. The end credits roll as we see a fetus that, presumably, is going to be Kirsten and the elf’s love child.
VERDICT: Elf on the Shelf just got a lot scarier. And horny.
I’ve just stopped asking why on these movies. I’ve just come to accept them for what they are: a s**t sandwich on moldy rye with a hint of a** sauce for flavor.
Circa 1989 was still a time of big hair and tacky clothing, so we get a fair amount of that in this movie. Apparently acting classes were scarce because no one in this Godforsaken turd salad knew how to deliver a line, let alone lines so poorly written and random that things often led to confusion. Even Dan Haggerty couldn’t save this mess, though Grizzly Mountain wasn’t exactly a masterpiece, either.
The camera quality was particularly bad with frequent zooming that often seemed too close to the characters and more excessive than Alien 3. Add in the panning that looked camcorder-worthy and you have what amounts to be a holiday classic for the garbage can.
The elf looked more like a naked possum after sex with a cracked-out goat than a scary creature looking for murder. The face was paralyzed with the mouth open and was slipshod at best without even an articulating mouth for something as simple as closing during a grunt.
This film kept showing up under the worst Christmas films of all time lists that I found, but leave it to me not to heed warnings and such. Do yourself the favor of heeding my warning: stay far away. This train wreck won’t scare you or put you in the holiday spirit. It will, however, manage to make you sit in your chair and wonder what the hell you’re doing with your life.
I’m gonna give this one the full 6 Piles of S**t. There’s just too much here that adds up to an evening of audio/visual flatulence emanating from the TV screen.