Bad Movies Beware!

Silent But Deadly: Never come between a man and his goat.

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What can one expect from a movie named after a fart?

This is another one from my buddy at work. Silent But Deadly stars Jason Mewes as Thomas, a functional mute with an abusive a**hole for a father and an unhealthy relationship with his goat, Liza.

Let’s be real, people: low budget films are a thing. Yeah, the multi-million dollar Hollywood rollercoasters they pass off as movies are great and all. Don’t get me wrong. But, my biggest issue with today’s mainstream films is that they tend lack of lot of subtlety and depth that can make or break the humor and horror in films.

I’d expected a turd, to be honest. And I wasn’t disappointed, to some degree, but I’ll get to that. Needless to say, what I expected was not what I got.

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As I said before, Thomas Capper, our main character, lives with his abusive father on a farm in small town in the middle of nowhere. The dad is an alcoholic with two mail-order Russian brides who are only interested in screwing each other.

Yup. Daddy accidentally ordered lesbians.


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Thomas spends most of his days with his goat, Liza, and her kid. It’s implied that the baby goat is actually Thomas’s, which should give you an idea of what you’re getting into right off the bat. While the two wives are upstairs going at it, Thomas’s dad finds out that Thomas likes to watch and goes after him.

Thomas won’t speak, which infuriates his dad. Daddy Dearest pulls his rifle, aims it at the baby goat, and blows it away. Thomas goes into a rage and utters his first line of the film:


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Thomas grabs the pitchfork and staples his dad to the side of the barn by the neck. He then utters “ax” and heads to the house with his new toy to dispatch his two lesbian stepmothers in a hailstorm of blood and body parts.

So far we’re off to a decent start!

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Thomas takes Liza and drives off in his dad’s truck, and the scene shifts to the sheriff’s office. Sandra (Kim Poirier) is doing a documentary on small-town cops and is interviewing Deputy Jimbo and Sheriff Shelby when a call about the murders at the Capper farm comes in.

Shelby is a small surprise…as in the guy is a midget and played to extreme hilarity by Jordan Prentice. Just bear with me because you’re going to hate Shelby when you watch this movie, and then realize how much you love the character because the Napoleon Syndrome is strong with this one.

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In the meantime, Thomas picks up Bobby, who works in town on the set of a film being made called “Silent But Deadly” (Irony. Oi. Okay, this one is kind of a knock). Bobby gets Thomas a job on the set as the director’s new bitch…I mean, coffee boy…and is an instant hit when he makes the perfect latte with goat’s milk.

Shelby, Jimbo, and Sandra end up on the set investigating the killings at the Capper place much to the profanity-laden displeasure of the director. Sandra and Bobby hit it off (don’t worry, fellow pervs, you get to see her topless later on), and Thomas encounters the guy he replaced abusing Liza.

“Two-Man Saw.”

Oh, and by the way, I’m only going to tell you the line/weapons used for the rest of the review. You wanna see the kill, you have to watch this movie. Not spoiling the epic-ness of some of these kills!

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That night Shelby and Jimbo finish their blundering around while Sandra and Bobby have a wild night in the lake. Thomas sleeps in the back of his truck, and the set cook nabs Liza and makes up a dish of goat meat.

Let the true carnage begin!

Thomas goes on a complete rampage, starting with the cook. We get a shot of Liza’s severed head on a platter, and the cook being a dick to Thomas.

“Delicatessen Slicer.”

The crew finds the body, and most of them split while the director pushes on to film the final big nude scene. Thomas shows up and kills everyone except Bobby, who takes off into the woods. Sandra, Shelby, and Jimbo come to the rescue while Thomas selects his new weapon.


Sandra and Bobby reunite and debate on another boning session while Shelby and Jimbo go looking for Thomas. Thomas cuts off Shelby’s hand with the scythe and takes his gun. Jimbo later finds the gun and hand in a field, and also finds the business end of Thomas’s scythe.

The other three flee to the police cruiser while Shelby and Bobby duke it out (literally) in possibly what is the funniest scene in the entire film complete with an obscure movie reference that is the line of the entire film:


Gotta watch it.

Thomas hitches a ride with a guy taking a truckload of goats to the slaughterhouse and dispatches him as the credits begin to roll.

The End.

I guess. Movie doesn’t really have an ending, but does it need one? Really?

VERDICT: Everything a Beer Movie needs!!

Let’s break it down, people.

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Not what I mean. Jeez.

A popcorn movie is a film with a shallow storyline that does nothing more than simply get the characters from Point A to Point B as fast as possible so we can see the big effects and centerpieces of the film. Michael Bay specializes in the Popcorn Film category with his Transformers films in particular. I’m one of those weirdos who actually enjoys those movies, but I wouldn’t call them “good” movies by any stretch. Just lots of computer-generated fun.

A Beer Movie is also what one would call a “Teenage Tit-Flick” in many cases. You get a buddy over, crack open a Guinness or twelve, and sit down for an hour or so of ignorance. Kind of like an evening of Fox News, but way more fun and informative.

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Silent But Deadly is a movie that gives the viewer, literally, everything that the viewer wants. Sandra is that female lead that you want to see nude so bad, and you typically don’t get that favor, nor do you get to see every unlikeable character dispatched in a satisfactory way.

Silent But Deadly breaks these rules gloriously!

Not only do you get to see the film’s lead female nude, just about every girl in the film as has a nude scene, and two of them end in carnage!

And I do mean CARNAGE.

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Every kill in the movie is over-the-top gory to the point of being cartoonish, and I’m good with this! The CGI is terrible, but the stylized and imaginative kills more than make up for it. No one is really safe in the movie when Thomas snaps, and every character you love to hate gets theirs in ways that would make Jason Voorhees cock his head to the side and have a “What the hell?” moment.

Gonna have to say my favorite was the two-man saw.

The acting is actually really good, given the source material. Everyone knows what they’re in for, and every character plays their stereotype well. You dig who you’re supposed to dig, hate who you’re supposed to hate, and really don’t care about the fluff characters, so the writing does its job well in that regard.

If I have any complaints, it’s the soundtrack. It was a good soundtrack and really fit the film well, but I would’ve liked to have heard a little more thrash metal than I did during the killing sequences. I just feel like it would’ve fit the movie well given the style in which it presents itself.

Honestly, that’s really my only complaint. Other than that, I have to say that I really enjoyed this movie. The humor is lewd and idiotic, and fits the tone of the film nicely. If you’re a fan of horror comedies like Shawn of the Dead and that kind of tongue-in-cheek humor mixed with copious amounts of nudity and gore, then I suggest you give this movie a serious look. Gonna roll with one Pile of S**t on this one!







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This entry was posted on July 4, 2016 by in boobies, Cheesy Slasher Flix, gory, killer toys, overblown and tagged , .
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