Fail-Flix

Bad Movies Beware!

Demon Wind: Something smells like s**t.

Image Credit: www.cinematerial.com

Christ, this movie.

I’ve been swamped lately with other writing projects, which has slowed down my intake of bad movies a fair amount. Frankly, I can’t decide if that’s a good thing. I’m no less unstable, nor has my radar for absolute crap gotten any weaker.

Case in point: Demon Wind.

 Image Credit: en.rocketnews24.com

No, that’s not what I mean. You know what, just bear with me a minute here.

Image Credit: weneedfun.com

It’s been a while since this popped up on my radar, and I’m fairly certain that I heard about it through Bad Movie Sundays. If you haven’t checked out their Facebook page yet, give it a look!

Anyway, let’s get rolling.

Image Credit: www.buzzfeed.com

Ugh.

Demon Wind opens with a woman trapped in a farmhouse while a whole lot of demonic s**t is going on around her. She ends up face-to-face with her husband, who happens to be possessed by a particularly nasty demon. She holds up a snow globe and tells him that they’ll both be destroyed if she breaks the crystal…

Sweetie, that’s a snow globe. What the hell.

Hubby the Demon Spouse comes at her, and she smashes the globe on the floor. The globe explodes epically, and the house is blown into a fiery mess.

Okaaaaay. Might want to double check the snow globes this Christmas.

Image Credit: www.japantimes.co.jp

Flash to present day. The clichés…I mean, characters…hell with it, I mean clichés. The clichés begin to show up at the local film meeting spot: a gas station run by a cranky old-timer and his daughter. We have the main two characters, Cory and Elaine. Cory is the perpetual desperate good guy, and Elaine is the pretty blonde girl-next-door. Cory is on the trip looking for clues as to what happened to his grandparents years ago, and the trail has led him to the countryside and their old farm. He’s plagued by chronic nightmares about it and wants to put it all to rest.

Another group of his friends shows up while Cory is whining about the gas station being in his dreams and wondering why the locals fear his grandparents’ farm. First up: Dell. Dell is a jock. Dell is also a dick. He plays up the stereotype and likes to push people around. Honestly, it’s not clear as to why Cory is friends with him, but I guess every group requires a complete wheel of douche cheddar.

Image Credit: Askideas.com

Dell’s girlfriend, Terry, is also along for the ride. Women are still fighting for equality and independence, claiming that they do not require the assistance of men to progress or function. Terry is massive step backwards on this one. She’s not too far off from Margaret in Manos the Hands of Fate. She feels that Dell is perfect, can do no wrong, and I’m curious whether she could even tie her shoes without his input.

We also have Jack and Bonnie. Jack is king of all nerds, and Bonnie is his very down-to-Earth understanding girlfriend as well as best friends with Elaine. Two more jokers show up for the ride. Meet Chuck and Styx. These two are magicians wanting to take their act around the world, and Chuck is also a martial arts expert.

Because reasons.

The group saddles up after a long explanation as to why they’re going out there. They arrive to find the farm in ruins. The house is a shell, blown completely out with not much more than the front door standing. Cory gets “zapped” by some unseen force and has a flashback of his uncle being an asshole. He opens the door and steps into the house to find that he’s (gasp) IN THE HOUSE. Everything is intact as if it were never blown to s**t by an IED snow globe.

Image Credit: www.blastr.com

The group follows, and Bonnie sees some Latin written on the wall. Of course, since this is a 1990’s horror movie where the characters are all supposed to be reasonably stupid, she reads the Latin and everyone acts shocked and surprised when all hell breaks loose. Everyone gets back into the cars, but the cars won’t start. They try to leave on foot, but a fog appears and transports them back to the house.

Three little girls appear. Obviously, they’re demons, but they’re cute, so the group doesn’t say much when the kids turn Bonnie into a doll and kill the s**t out of her. No, really. They just don’t give a flying f**k. They continue as if it never happened.

That’s right, Bonnie. F**k you.

Image Credit: theemporiumofgenius.wordpress.com

The solution: BACK INSIDE!

Cory goes into the bedroom to explore while the group stays in the living room trying to find how many ways they can say, “What do we do now?” He encounters the ghost of his grandmother. She shows him the Family Demon Diary, then vanishes.

Yup. Family Demon Diary. Because, hey, what family doesn’t have one?

(Image)

Turns out, Cory’s family has a Satanic streak a mile wide. Elaine takes it fairly well. Me, personally, I’d want to know that about someone BEFORE I agree to date them. I mean, really. You never know if someone’s going to get you all wrapped up in some kind of demonic hoe-down.

ANYWHO, Cory’s family is cursed, and the only way to kill the ultimate demon that they are destined to summon is to use the seven magical daggers on him all at once. Granny gives him two and wishes him well.

That’s right, Link! You need all eight pieces of the Triforce to save Hyrule! But you only get two. F**k you, have a safe journey!

Christ.

The group explores the barn and finds a Satanic altar. Things go south, and Chuck and Styx eat it after a fight with the demons. Apparently, someone entered the “Unlimited Ammo Code” because I’ve never seen a shotgun fire off twenty rounds straight before.

Jack suggests fighting back because, well, that worked so well before. Dell and Terry leave to try and get help. They hear a car pull up and find out that two more friends have shown up for the fun and laughs. They’re here because…yeah.

Meet William and Rena. Yeah, don’t get used to them. They’re literally just here to die. Horribly. Heh. Heh-heh.

Image Credit: www.pmslweb.com

About that time, Demon Chuck and Styx attack the group. Cory wards them off with a dagger, and Demon Rena attacks William. Cory kills her with his dagger, and demons converge on the house. Demon Terry shows up and bites Jack. Elaine kills Demon Jack, which uses up the last dagger. The demons make it into the house, and a priest calls out to them from the yard.

It’s the old guy from the gas station. What the hell?

Elaine and Cory chant a spell because, hey, why not? Cory wakes up from a dream, all his friends are alive, and everything is cool. Yay!

Not. They’re all demons. He wakes up from his dream within a dream, and the priest becomes a Super-Demon. Cory turned into some kind of…thing? Is that the right idea?

Image Credit: badmovies.org

Okay, just go with it.

Cory fights the Super-Demon, and Elaine finds a spell in the Demon Bible. She casts it, and the Super-Demon dies a lot. The house is destroyed, and Cory and Elaine ride off to the gas station and kill Demon Harriet. A random demon chick that was never in the movie growls at the camera, and the credits roll.

The end. Christ.

VERCIT: TRUSTED THE WRONG FART.

Oh. GOD.

This movie was a shart.

Image Credit: ifunny.co

It came out in 1990, so it’s a little dated. I’m pretty sure it was straight to video. I can’t find box office figures for it anywhere. Still, if you’re looking for those late-night horror movies that don’t do much more than make you drool over your pizza, this one fits in.

The acting is abysmal. Not that the writing gave the actors much to work with, but s**t, people. If Bob Hoskins can work with the travesty that was Super Mario Bros., you can take some lousy writing and go SOMEWHERE with it. The dialogue was disjointed and often didn’t really make any sense in the given scene, and even the scenes tended to go all over the place.

The demons looked like they decked everyone out in zombie makeup, then hosed them off like shower time at the county lock-up. The wardrobe was absolutely indicative of 1990, so at least I got to laugh at some hairstyles and clothing choices that no one in their right minds should ever go back to, unless it’s Halloween.

Good times, man. Good times.

Image Credit: pinterest.com

The sound wasn’t terrible, but it had its moments when it was too obvious that the crash studio was running out of options. The explosions, fires, wind, and cars were all stock audio, so if you’ve seen ANY B-movie from 1970 to 1990, then you’ve heard the same sound bytes before.

I’m smacking this one with the full six Piles of S**t. Frankly, it’s trying to be Evil Dead, and it failed miserably at even that. Nothing about this movie is redeeming, though I might totally try that snow globe thing this Christmas when I go to Kohl’s.

Image Credit: www.wired.com

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