Bad Movies Beware!
This is what I get for going on sabbatical.
Back in April, shortly after I posted the review for The Alligator People, I suffered a work injury that put me out of commission until up to this point. Concussions are nothing to fool with, and mine was bad. It’s especially not a good idea to watch the kind of s**t movies I watch when one’s brain has been tossed around inside one’s skull like balls in a kid’s toy.
Needless to say, I’m back and I’m okay. So, what am I treated to? The wife hosted a perv party with some friends to celebrate the release of Lexxx Christian’s book Naked (If you’re into romance, you should buy a copy. If you’re not, buy one for someone who is.) As if the candy penis pop I was dared to eat wasn’t bad enough (I don’t really do sugar, so yeah. It was fairly disgusting. And there’s video on Lexxx’s Facebook page), one of them tells me that I MUST sit down to watch The Lair of the White Worm.
It has Hugh Grant in it.
It also stars Peter Capaldi of Doctor Who fame. Now, full disclosure, I’m not really a Doctor Who fan, but, Capaldi is an excellent actor. Why in the HELL some intern with a chip on their shoulder decided to cast him alongside Hugh “Constantly Surprised” Grant is beyond me. I had two choices: watch this absolute travesty of a film spread across my television like the clap on a college campus, or go to bed.
Yeah. Sometimes I’m just stupid.
Angus Flint (Capaldi) unearths a strange-looking skull while digging near the Trent sisters’ bed and breakfast. It seems to be a giant snake, which reminds him of an ancient legend about a giant snake called the d’Ampton Worm. The snake was supposedly slain by John d’Ampton, ancestor to the current resident of the manor, James d’Ampton (Grant. Surprise!)
I should give Flint credit: I’ve dug at least three feet down into the ground by hand and never come across a fossil. Kudos, man.
James finds the girls’ father’s watch in Stonerich Cavern. Mr. Trent disappeared years before near Temple House, and Angus wonders if the legend really is fact. Lady Sylvia Marsh lives in Temple House and is the film slut. I mean…the seductive and cunning siren who charms—
Nah. Slut is easier.
Dude. It’s not even implied. She wears it like a medal.
Okay, people: Full disclosure.
I fell asleep pretty early on in the film and didn’t wake up until the shit hit the fan. I’m getting most of the synopsis off the internet.
Okay, okay. I’ll rewatch it.
As it turns out, I really didn’t miss much. Sylvia nabs Eve while the rest of the group explores the caverns, and they somehow deduce that Sylvia is a bit of a snake herself.
Vampire. Snake…Snake-Vamp. Why not?
Things get crazy, and Sylvia ends up nabbing Mary as well. She plans to feed them both to Dionin, the Snake God. James assembles a party to head to the caverns and gas the creature out while Angus goes full Super-Sayan in Scottish regalia and hits Temple House hard armed with antivenom, his mighty bagpipes, and a mongoose up his kilt.
Yes. A mongoose. Because, yeah, you know how it goes: Anytime you go after snake people and you’re in Super-Sayan Highlander mode, you want to make sure you have room in your kilt to keep a mongoose behind your balls.
Sylvia thwarts Angus, bites him, and hauls him down to the dungeon. He comes to just as she’s about to sacrifice Eve, and the giant snake comes up to claim its meal. Angus feeds Sylvia to the snake, frees the girls, and follows up Dionin’s Slut Salad with a lovely Hand Grenade Apple Chimi for dessert. Dionin goes all to pieces, and James tells the men in the cave that drinks are on him.
But wait! There’s more!
Turns out, Angus sent some snake venom up to the lab when Mary took a bite to the neck. The lab calls him back and informs him that they slipped up and gave him an arthritis relief serum instead.
Surprise ending. Not really.
VERDICT: I was innocent, damn it.
Nothing beats coming off a day of hard labor at work and sitting down to a movie about an overgrown trouser snake that demands the sacrifice of virgins…wait.
Eve and James…yeah.
There’s actually a line in the film that insinuates that James and Eve had Freaky Circus Sex the night before, yet Sylvia says that she can smell that Eve is a virgin. This is only one example of the inconsistencies in the movie. It’s as if the writers would write themselves into a corner, then, to save time, make up some absolute bulls**t to force the story back onto the already shaky rails.
The film is based (oh-so-loosely) on the novel by Bram Stoker. It’s considered by some to be one of the worst books ever written. It’s really not much more than a retelling of Dracula, but our favorite vampire is gender-swapped for a nymphoid Annie Lennox with a snake fetish, the ability to spit venom that induces crazy psychedelic goat sequences, and a desperate need of a bush hog.
The camera work is great, so credit where credit is due. The visuals are nice, using wide shots outside to show off some of the landscape in the background. The lighting is perfect, so you really miss nothing in the dark areas of the movie.
The sound isn’t bad, either. It does, however, really bring forth the abysmal performances from Mary and Eve (Sammi Davis and Catherine Oxenberg, respectively). Of course, their performances pail against Huey.
What can I say? I can’t stand Hugh Grant.
When Mumbles isn’t looking like he’s surprised by the most recent massive fart he just laid down like a rotten carpet on a pile of dog turds, he’s spouting off lines in monotone in his constant effort to look like a Brit playboy with no worries beyond what might surprise him next.
Despite the good technical aspects, the movie is liquid mongoose poo. Slapping the hell out of it with four Piles of S**t. The visuals and audio save it from the full six, but the writing and performances bring it damn close.
To the 4th Power.